Interviews - Fake

HypChanneling returns, this time in beta tripartite diploSpeak, a new UN standard for international crimes, styled as a retro platonic menage a trois.

Our featured High Crimes and Misdemeanor Trio consists of The W (George Bush) as The Accused who is grilled with consistent truthfulness by The JE (John Edwards) who was congressionally appointed to keep him in the game, as The Chief Prosecutor. This trial was presided over by The CH, The Chief Hypocrite, as The Decider. The CH is also the assembler of this first and only report to the public.

You will not read about this Impreachment anywhere else, because of the special circumstances under which it was conducted. Yes, you read that correctly.

It has already begun, been completed and is over and is not even a footnote in history. You nor the MSM or for that matter any of the MLM (Minor League Media ie bloggers) knew or still knows anything about this unusual event, details of which will be unclassified and released after 50 years or after the death of all involved or via leaking by the New York Times, whichever comes first.

History does have a way of repeating at least portions of itself, however there always seems to be a new twist in each incarnation. The 2008 Impreachment was enabled in a secret, unpublished classified compromise amendment, signed by Bush with a disappearing ink pen, which amendment was attached to one of the many bills passed by the Democrat majorities.

These several bills, essentially legitimized all of President Bush’s alleged illegal actions. Despite that, many of the secret signatories still contribute impotent diatribes on the subject of various impeachable acts to the media to “energize” their progressive base. Regardless, Bush and the Democrats toasted in secret underground signing ceremonies, which we got an exclusive grainy photo of.

Too bad we didn’t get a photo with audio, especially at the point where Bush fist tapped Nancy Pelosi, saying, “You go, Girl!” and she responded “Free our President”, insisting on a high five.

The historic compromises included, from Bush, that he would agree to plead nolo contendere, although he did not remember who nolo was and bristled a little at the uppity spanish used.

Compromises from the Democrats included pretending in public that he was never tried or convicted or disclosing any of the terms of his sentence which included permanent immunity from any future crimes, real or imagined, although they reserved the right to complain bitterly and forever about his crimes.

To ensure that they could never say Bush was Impeached, when they wrote the bill they called it Impreachment. Bush thought that had an evangelical flavor and was grateful. They also were grateful figuring that their unlimited assertions of high crimes and misdemeanors permanently into the future would ensure funding advantages over the Republicans for years and periodically re-energizng the base when needed.

The Impreachment proceedings, including the direct exchanges between the Chief Prosecutor and The Accused reportedly were not all retained in media form, except for the copy we obtained. One of the conditions we agreed to reluctantly was never to release enough of it to convince anyone of it’s validity and never to correct the New York Times even when they misreport.

For this report we have decided to release this noteworthy transcribed snippet, we have dubbed “The Outright Lie”.

The CH: Gentlemen, start your engines, you know the rules.

The JE: Thank you Chief. As one Chief to another, I trust that you will not take offense at how I conducted myself during our last interview, I must admit that I was in a deliberative process of learning that my internal adviser had partially turned my good judgment over to the hubris of my circumstances all of which has made me a better man, husband, father and candidate, don’t you think?

The CH: Please continue with the important proceedings at hand.

The JE: Agreed. My thoughts exactly, glad we see things the same way.

Now, Mr President….ahh, Mr President…..after exhaustive reviews of all the films (including direct one on one meetings with one web based filmmaker) and political books chronicling your multiple and outrageous abuses of the public trust, embarrassing your family and your party and your countrymen in full view of our allies and enemies around the globe, as you shredded the US Constitution over and over again, breaking US and international law unilaterally, I saw two Americas.

The W: Like north and south?

The JE: Easy now, Mr President. No. First I saw the average man, struggling to keep his family fed and clothed and in good health without access to health insurance, struggling for a better tomorrow like my dad did in the mills. And then I see your kind, with narcissistic privilege, access, money, unaccountability, taking advantage of others because you can, assuming you are invincible and willing to look the camera in the eye and say I did not do it and I do not know what you are talking about as I’ve responded consistently.

The W: For some reason, that does sound kinda familiar.

The JE: Stop interrupting! Mr President, how could you invade Iraq knowing it was all based on a lie?

The W: All I really know, is what Cheney, Big Al, Hillary, Colin and the Clinton CIA guy told me, that y’al

saw what they all told me about and you voted for me to do it, didn’t you?

The JE: But, Mr Presidnet you knew more than me, in fact you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, a high crime and misdemeanor, that there was no WMD in Iraq! You lied to the American people, to me, to your wife and kids and to the world just so you could get something that hurt us all! You said the reason we had to go into Iraq was to find and destroy the WMD there.

The W: I’ll tell you something I have never told anyone before about this WMD thing in Iraq. Come closer.

The JE: Quiet confession is good for the soul, Mr President, and I pray redemption continues to be the American way.

The CH: Speak up, I need to hear this.

The W: I confess I was upset when Michael Moore said I was not as smart as a Democrat. He said a Democrat would have been smart enough to plant WMD in Iraq after we invaded and could not find any like we thought. I never thought about that…hurt my feelings. That’s my confession, and damn if you’re not right, I feel better now.

The CH: Case dismissed.

CH: Governor Romney, before I begin the formal part of the interview, may I say how impressed we were when you endorsed John McCain. Unless there was some technical distortion on our technology, it seemed that although this was an endorsement, neither you nor John looked at each other.

M: Yours is definitely not Bain Capital financed technology, so it is probably faulty. John and I are good friends even after conducting a spirited campaign.

This belongs in the books of impossible happenings.

While conducting secret routine maintenance on our HypChannel supersecret technology, one of the folks from over at Manpower switched two wires and after the smoke blew away we checked things out and to our relief discovered that our original technology appeared to be in fine form but, then, then we learned how to Channel, get this, we can now, you’ll never believe it till you see it…….Deep breath. Thanks for your patience.

We can now use the HypChannel in Reverse! But only if the union writers are not on strike!

Due to the overwhelming demand by Public Persons (PPs) to be interviewed by our Contributor Hypsters, it frequently occurs that the generous times offered to us for such interviews are simply not convenient for us.

Many politicians and other celebrities weep when informed that we only have time for a Channeled Interview.

If you want to learn this techology, read more about it below and Click Here if you want to submit such an Interview (completely fake).

Welcome to the Inaugural Fake Interview by Chief Hypocrite, using proprietary channeling techniques, PPUC (process patent under consideration).

We decided to choose to interview the President of the United States. We are honored by this choice:

Chief Hypocrite: Mr President, before we get started I must tell you how impressed I am that you have become the President of the United States, not once but twice.

W: Well, Chefe, this here interview, ’snot really my ballgame like when I owned that team down there in god country, What you using some kind of powerful juju stick? The American, they people spoke good both times. Talk to the people.