Gender Jokes
He Said, I Said
He said to me . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to
put in it. I said to him . . . You wear pants don’t you?
He said to me . . ….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!
He said to me. … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don’t have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don’t know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and
go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the
fridge.
There are many ways for men to get a fight started.
!. When I got home last night, my wife asked me to take her someplace expensive…so I took her to a gas station…and that is how that fight started.
2. I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream
for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that’s how that fight started…
3: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’. And that’s how that fight started…..
4: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ And that’s how the fight started…..
5: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ So, I looked down at him, and in my cutsie voice said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’ And that’s how the fight
started…..
6: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak,
medium rare, please.’ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’ And that’s how the fight started…..
Simple Solutions for Complex Men
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn ‘t move and does, use the duct tape.