Political Jokes
Response To How Tax Policy Works, Misattributed to David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Hypocrisy indeed. I prefer this explanation: (To How Tax Policy Works
Misattributed to Dr Kamerschen)
In the US and throughout most of the rest of the world, the tenth man would have paid off a politician for $10 to get a beer subsidy of $30 per night(to create jobs for the bartender). Of this $30, $10 of course would have covered the lobbying expense, $10 would go in his own pocket, $1 would go to the bartender to keep his mouth shut, and $9 would go to the bar.
The Bar would give him a kickback of $10 each night for bringing in his 9 buddies to make them into alcoholics, repeat customers for life.
The Bar would then raise their prices to $130 citing inflation and higher taxes.
The tenth richest man would then secure his finances in a Dutch Holding Company managed by a trust in Ireland which invests in Chase and Bank of America. He would then explain to his buddies that he is as poor as the rest of them and can’t afford to pay himself as he cries into his beer that night citing his latest financial report which shows him to be broke on paper so that he doesn’t have to pay taxes in the United States ever again.
Citing his former generosity, the other nine men would agree that the tenth man can now pay nothing like the 4 poorest.
The others would then be faced with an adjusted amount of
* The fifth would pay $3.
* The sixth would pay $10.
* The seventh would pay $22.
* The eighth would pay $38.
* The ninth would pay $57.
Now the group would recognize that this is not fair and so would lobby the Government for an Earned Drinking Credit for the Poorest men. The government would oblige and give the four poorest men $2 each, but they would tax the 5th - 9th men $2 each as well.
* 4 men receive a total of $8 and 5 men pay $10.
The adjusted amounts would then look like this for all 10
* First Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
* Second Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
* Third Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
* Fourth Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
* Fifth Pay $1 to bar pays $2 to tax | net paid $3
* Sixth Pay $8 to bar; pays $2 to tax | net paid $10
* Seventh Pay $20 to bar; pays $2 to tax | net paid $22
* Eighth Pay $36 to bar pays $2 to tax | net paid $38
* Ninth Pay $55 to bar; pays $2 to tax | net paid $57
* Tenth Man: Tax Credit Received: $30 ;
Pays $10 to politician;
$1 to bartender;
Receives $10 from Bar
Net RECEIVED $29 per night and free beer
Of course this can not go on forever as the sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth men can’t afford to pay those rates forever. So they start paying with their credit cards held by Bank of America and Chase.
The tenth man would start demanding a higher Return on Investment from his investment managers, who would be hearing similar requests from all of their other investors. They would then expand their holdings into mortgaged back securities where a good deal more profit could be made.
Meanwhile the Fifth through ninth men are racking up debt on their credit cards from drinking every night, their health care costs are increasing as their liver fails, and they are also spending more on gasoline as they drink and drive as they can no longer afford to cab it.
Ultimately, they end up refinancing their credit cards into their house where they have equity. The mortgage broker promises them a 4.9% interest rate on the refinance which sounds good as their credit card interest rate is up to 21%. The broker promises them that they will not have to verify their income, provide W2’s nor copies of their tax paper work.
Their mortgage broker doesn’t tell them, but lies about the value of their house in order to refinance their credit and help them avoid paying private mortgage insurance. At their current income levels, and without verifying their income, their mortgage would be classified as Sub Prime and the interest rate would be 10.9%
The mortgage officer lies about their income levels as well to boost the internal credit scoring mechanism and get them financed, not at 4.9% but 5.9%, which is better than 10.9% and happens to pay the mortgage broker a higher commission than a loan at 4.9% that is not sub prime.
The mortgage broker also promises them a payment of $900 per month, but fails to mention the balloon payment of $50,000 in the 5th year and doesn’t mention the adjustable rates in year 3.
The men separately show up with a hangover and sun glasses on the date of their close for their new mortgages. They trust their broker and do not read the paperwork in detail flipping and signing almost as fast as they could raise a beer bottle to their lips.
The loan closes, the mortgage broker gets a fat commission, the bank securitizes the mortgages by selling them to an Irish Hedge Fund and pockets collectively a billion dollars in profits that year.
The hedge fund holds the investment for a year, shows a 35% gain on paper and starts selling shares to retirement funds and 401ks in the US that the Sixth through 9th men just happen to have the rest of their life savings sitting in.
The tenth man sees the writing on the wall, literally magic marker on a stall in the restroom of the bar.
“The end is Nigh”
He pulls his money out of the Irish Hedge fund invested in real estate and invests in Gold at $600 a troy ounce.
Meanwhile, he lobbies congress to tighten bankruptcy laws for credit cards which he still has a sizable investment in. Congress tightens bankruptcy laws and makes it impossible to absolve credit card debt, forcing people into chapter 13 where they must pay off the debt within 3 years or go to debtors prison where they can work it off in 7 years.
Gas prices are still going up so the President ignores a minor terrorist threat, allows the terrorists to blow up a major building and then goes to war with the terrorists home country where there is no oil, and simultaneously with a country that sits on 10% of the worlds oil reserves that has a decimated military infrastructure.
Oil prices shoot through the roof with Gold following close behind. The President whose family comes from oil barons make a fortune and become famous at their skull and bones country club outside of Yale.
Meanwhile our famous 10 guys, start paying even more money at the pump. The first 4 guys end up taking second jobs working at Wal-Mart and have to give up drinking at the bar so that they can try and beat their teenage kids out of a promotion.
The fifth and sixth guys get foreclosed upon. They were forced to stop paying their mortgage payments so that they could pay their mandatory credit card payments as required by the new bankruptcy law.
The seventh, eighth and ninth men all previously traded up their homes for McMansions that they can not afford with interest only payments of $2300 a month. When foreclosures start happening their plans on flipping their McMansions and cashing in on the equity slips through their fingers.
To make matters worse seven and eight get laid off from the companies they work for when their jobs get outsourced to China. The ninth man keeps his job at a law firm, but fails to notice that his 401k fund is slipping and has lost 10% in the last year. Things are looking up as his law firm seems on the edge of landing a big contract with Merrill Lynch.
Then the real estate crash and sub prime mortgage scandal erupt. Banks start dropping like flies to be saved not by the cash strapped government that can barely afford the war for oil any longer, but by China. Oil and Gold soar, Gold hits $900 a troy ounce and Oil hits $130 a barrel (about the same amount for 10 rounds of beer prior to the crash). Beer prices hold steady for the first few months, but then start to edge up as gas prices for delivery creep into the bar owners expenses.
Then the first four men one night remember their favorite bar. They sneak around back around 4:30 am and steal 50 empty kegs that just happen to be made of pure aluminum. Those kegs are now worth about half the value of a keg that is full in scrap metal prices or about $80.
They are not stupid and don’t want to get caught turning the kegs in at the dump where the police are already looking for keg thieves. So they head out to the closed down manufacturing plant where they used to work. They start a big fire, and melt down the aluminum into big messy aluminum splashes on the cement.
They turn in the aluminum for cash and get caught up on their back alimony and child support before heading back to work at Wal-mart where they now work for their teen age kids that beat them out for that promotion earlier in the month because their job skills weren’t as good as recent high school graduates. They then begin dreaming of new ways to find aluminum alimony allowances.
Meanwhile, the banks and mortgage companies lobby congress spending about $10,000 a head in an election year to bail out the economy. Congress provides the major banks with government backed loans to refinance the bad sub prime loans so that the government can personally guarantee those bad loans. They also put $100 billion of actual cash into the hands of Americans hoping to stimulate the economy.
Americans however, are all in debt up to their eye balls and use the extra $1200 they receive to make 2-3 credit card payments. They take the $300 for each kid and buy groceries for the month and then they start worrying about next month.
The banks get away free as they have Chinese financing now and no bad loans as they have refinanced them over to the US Government. The US government had to print more money to pay for all of these actions and so Gold goes up to $1500 a troy ounce.
The tenth man is now worth Billions and moves to Costa Rica to retire taking the new trophy wife that used to be the bartenders girl friend with him.
The first four men end up going to county prison for 3 months for stealing aluminum dog crap receptacles after running out of kegs to steal.
The fifth and sixth men end up living in an apartment and then homeless after they lose their jobs at Wal-Mart.
The seventh and eighth men whom we previously left hanging in our story after they lost their jobs and ability to pay for their homes, end up losing their homes, and their kids. They and their spouses are each convicted of mortgage fraud by the FBI in a major sting operation after it is revealed that they lied on their mortgage applications. Their mortgage brokers who actually did the paper work cop a plea agreement in exchange for immunity with the Feds and rat out each of their unsuspecting customers.
The ninth man ends up losing his entire retirement fund which took a big hit as the dollar rapidly plummeted into free fall. He ends up refinancing his own house under a government backed loan for $650,000. Unfortunately, a tornado comes through that winter in a freak coincidence and levels the home. FEMA promises to provide assistance but never shows up and the ninth man freezes to death attempting to salvage the shreds of his belongings. His home insurance policy refuses to pay as they claim that his house was over valued and then they prove it with comparables studies from his own mortgage brokers database.
The tenth man ends up dumping his new bride a year later, moving back to the states a year after that when the US appears to have hit rock bottom and he leads up a Chinese real estate investment initiative in the states. He makes another $10 billion in ten years, but is then executed in Beijing for espionage.
Meanwhile, the bar tender goes on to win American Idol and sleep with Paula Abdul. They are now blissfully happy, doped up on anti-psychotics, and the biggest two idiots the world has ever seen.
How Tax Policy Works, Attributed to David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer, and the bill for all ten
comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go
something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that’s what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. ‘Since you are
all such good customers,’ he said, ‘I’m going to reduce the cost of your
daily beer by $20. ‘Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.’
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the
first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they
divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share’?
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that
from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end
up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would
be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount and he
proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savi ngs).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued
to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to
compare their savings.’I only got a dollar out of the $20,’ declared the sixth
man. He pointed to the tenth man, ‘but he got $10!’
‘Yeah, that’s right,’ exclaimed the fifth man. ‘I only saved a dollar,
too. It’s unfair that he got ten times as much as I!’
‘That’s true!!’ shouted the seventh man. ‘Why should he get $10 back
when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!’
‘Wait a minute,’ yelled the first four men in unison. ‘We didn’t get
anything at all. The system exploits the poor!’
The nine men surrounded the tenth man and beat him up. The next night the
tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers
without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered
something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of
them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our
tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit
from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and
they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking
overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not
understand, no explanation is possible.
Actuallly Snopes say the Author of this humorous explanation is probably unknown.
Waiting and waiting….
I couldn’t take it anymore, the wait was killing me. Even writing m
y weekly commentary wasn’t cutting it. I had to do something to make the next two weeks pass quickly, so I took a job. I figured if I had to wait, I might as well make some money doing it….
“Welcome to Chez Hypocrisy, my name is Snark and I’ll be your waiter tonight.
“Our special appetizers, available for the next four days, seven if necessary, are Tampa Bay Ray ala Irwin, or Olde Tyme Philly Cheesesteak. Whichever you choose I can assure you, it’s World Class.
“No, I’m sorry, we ran out of Boston Chowder last week. It was a big surprise to us, too. The same is true of our Los Angeles Chokeburger.
“Our end-of-the-month dinner specials include a delicious Fillet of dry-aged Johnny Steak, smothered in Alaskan mud, with heirloom bitter herbs and a salad of Green Envy, dressed with Regret. That also comes with your choice of whine, White or Whiter.
“If you’re dieting, I recommend the Russian Bear Claw Palin. It’ll do wonders for your waistline. It’s low carb, low fat, low protein and totally without nourishment. We don’t actually serve it, but we bring it close enough that you can see it from your table.
“Also, we have a Main Street Mixed Grill that is to die for. It’s all the comfort food you ate growing up in middle America, shoved down your throat until you’re ready to explode. If you can swallow ten pounds of it, everyone at your table eats free!
“Our prize-winning roast pig comes both ways, with and without lipstick.
“You might want to choose from our everyday favorites. Tonight we have:
“Savory Chicken Balls fried in Offshore oil.
“Aged Arizona Elephant with cornbread.
“Thrice-cooked Chestnut Crackers with your choice of Sixties smears.
“Medical marijuana brownies, available in our blue state restaurants only.
“GOPher waffles with Chinese Creamery Melanin-Butter, Unfrosted Let-Them-Eat-Cake cake, and Nuclear Mushroom Glacé dusted with Clean Coal pepper on a globally warmed plate.
“Our featured cocktail is the Saturday Night Special. It’s a traditional concoction that’s been around so long it’s gotten terribly stale, but now it’s reborn in a new, lively recipe that’s too, too fey. It will have you giggling all through your meal, I promise!
“Make sure to save some room for dessert. We have Half-baked Alaska drizzled with simpleton syrup, surrounded by sour grapes and crowned with a whipped cream so airy it’s hardly there at all. Our retro dessert is a clearance item that did very well for us the past eight years, but now we’re closing it out. It’s a leftover mélange of silly sorbets and outdated broulettes glazed with new sugary frosting that’s guaranteed to taste just as good coming up as it did going down.
“Are you folks ready for the check? I hope you enjoyed your dinner. I’m sorry, we no longer accept credit cards. Chez Hypocrisy is a happening place and credit is so September! We don’t take dollars, either, but we’ll be happy to exchange them for Euros, three-to-one.
“It was truly a pleasure serving you. Be sure to come back in a couple of weeks. We’re planning a Hawaiian Luau that’ll knock your socks off!”
SARAH PALIN’S SCHOOL OF LOW EXPECTATIONS
“Good mornin’ class. It’s sure nice to see so doggone many happy faces smilin’ up at me today, right here in America, the bestest country ever. For those of you whose memory isn’t what it used to be—and whose is, boy-howdy—my name is Sarah Palin. I was John McCain’s runnin’ mate against President Barack Obama in the last election.
“Now, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, I’m gonna give it to you straight, without the media elite twisting my words into pretzels, or that snooty Katie Couric pullin’ ‘gotchya’ stunts tryin’ to make me sound like a bimbo.
“I lost that election. But I’m not a loser and neither are you!
“That’s today’s lesson at the Sarah Palin School of Low Expectations—we are winners if we say so. Nobody but us can set the bar for our success, and the secret of life is to set that bar so low you’ve already crossed it.
“As I look around the room and see the Wall Street executives and CEOs, the religious leaders and educators, the Dancing With The Stars ex-contestants and Republican ex-senators lookin’ back at me, I can see the question in your eyes. ‘Can I take advantage of the same trick that got Sarah Palin, beauty queen and governor of Alaska—which is almost a state—through a disastrous campaign with a twinkle in her eyes and an allurin’ grin on her adorable face? Will the magic of low expectations work for me?
“You betchya!
“If I can do it, anyone can do it. I don’t think it’s a big secret that I had absolutely no business even bein’ considered Vice Presidential material by John McCain or anyone else. The only difference between me and Dan Quayle is that he’s prettier and he went further in the spellin’ bee. He got tripped up when the liberal media asked him to spell potato and I flunked out on moose.
“But Dan Quayle didn’t know my system. He let that potato make him a loser, but I didn’t let no moose do that to this hockey mom! I shot that sucker square between the eyes and served it to my big, main-street, American family for dinner.
“Low expectations works! When I got my tush handed to me by that smart-aleck Joe Biden during our debate, the whole world thought I’d broken even, at worst!
“Why? Because I had carefully set the bar so low I couldn’t have tripped over it in five-inch heels. All I had to do was keep a seductive smile on my lips while stringin’ random English words together not answerin’ the questions until the light told me to stop, and I was a winner!
“Was I nervous? Course I was! One time my stomach got so jumpy durin’ some foreigner policy question or something that I let out a smelly. You can see ‘can I call you Joe’ make the uglyface when it hit him. But nobody knew because I squeaked it out. If the microphones don’t pick it up, it never happened.
“Remember that class. Never let ‘em see you sweat. Or hear you fart.
“So you’ve had a rough time of it lately. Your company went bankrupt, the government had to bail out your golden parachute, Charlie Rose doesn’t answer your phone calls anymore, you can’t get a decent table at TGI Fridays and your kids tell all their friends at Groton that you’re a fireman.
“Big deal. Tell ‘em that’s just what you wanted! That’s your story and you’re sticking to it.
“Well, jeez-o-flip, class, I see we’re almost out of time. Here are your homework assignments.
“I want you Wall Street fellas to write, in your own words—no cheaties—why you’re happy your companies went bust and got bought by Dubai because, unlike Ken Lay, you’re not in jail, or dead.
“Religious leaders, tell me how your wife is totally behind raising the bastard child you had with that call girl, because you’ve both always wanted to help the underprivileged.
“And you Republicans—well, gosh almighty, I know it’s gonna be hard—but I want you to put on your little spin beanies and write an essay about how you’re glad you lost the election because you broke every toy in the store and mommy told you to go home and stay in bed while the Democrats try to clean up your mess.
“Class dismissed, you cute rascals. Next week we’ll practice ‘the wink.”
“Foreclosure Magazine” Launches!
It is finally here! I got my copy of “Foreclosure: The Magazine for the Newly Broke” today. 
You say American capitalism isn’t working? The brilliant entrepreneurs behind “Foreclosure” beg to differ. They saw a need and filled it—they found the cash in the crash.
I highly recommend you subscribe on your own, but as a teaser, let me list of few of the juiciest articles in the first issue of America’s newest publishing sensation.
“Depression Chick: Second-hand fashions for the well-dressed Nouveau Pauvre!”
“Casual Cuisine: Dumpster diving with Rachael Ray.”
“Six in the Ford Fiesta! Living large on four wheels—how one family beat the high cost of housing.”
“Work the Welfare System! Ten scripts sure to bring tears to the hardest Bureaucrat’s Heart.”
“Hop That Freight! Riding the rails and other Adventure Sports for the healthy homeless lifestyle.”
“101 Yummy Government Cheese Recipes!”
“Fifty Surefire Begging Signs: Be the STAR on your corner”!
And it’s not just lightweight stuff.. “Foreclosure” also takes on the hard-hitting issues of the day with such substantive pieces as:
“Breadline Etiquette: Is it OK to use your pre-teens to hold your place in line while you panhandle?”
“The Sex Trade: New careers in the oldest profession.”
And my personal favorite:
“Drug Addiction: Paradise for Peons or Fool’s Gold for the Foreclosed? A Foreclosure Magazine Debate.”
Run out and get a copy while you can still afford it. That’s what I did and that’s my advice to you. I can hardly wait for next month’s issue—the cover stories sound delightful!
“The Wisdom of our People: A Hobo Speaks.” And:
“Filth—The New Black.”
BDS Vexing Medical and Scientific Community
Is it a psychosis, neurosis, viral, bacteriological infection or perhaps a fungus or may be genetic.
BDS vexing medical and scientific community. Debate is raging about whether BDS is a psychosis, neurosis, viral or bacteriological infection or perhaps a fungus.
BDS-like symptoms first manifested in the 1960s and some insist it has become a genetic condition.
About all that is certain about BDS are its symptoms including: abject irrationality; tourette syndrome-like symptoms characterized by motor tics most commonly involving the face, and phonic tics; all afflicted ultimately develop a combination of motor and phonic tics causing the afflicted to loudly shout incomprehensibly, and in the worst cases uncontrollable slobbering.
Last week in St. Paul, Minnesota several hundred were treated with pepper spray, electro-shock and confinement. The preferred treatment until a vaccine can be found is to quarantine the afflicted together and ostracism can be useful.
BDS (Bush Derangement Syndrome) is not contagious and the affects of close contact are temporary and treatable with antacids, and Preparation H.
What Goes Around Comes Around
‘Walking Eagle’ Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation in upstate New YorkHe spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living, should HE one day become the President. He referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed ‘YES’ for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his ‘red sisters and brothers’.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to the Senator . They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
This found on the internet in 2005:
President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed “YES” 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his “red brothers”.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the President
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
NEITHER JOKE IS BASED ON FACT.
“LC” is all the rage in Wash, D.C. “OC” is Out.
Naturally, some things are little noticed by those of us, who as only occasional visitors to D.C. are still impressed with the history, the meaning, the majesty as well as the incumbents who we back home in our individual states and districts, have elected to advance the quest of American Democracy.
With pride we expect each to be dedicated to the people’s work and to collegiately debate weighty issues for our benefit in the many halls of our capitol.
We can be shocked then to learn about the new phenom, dubbed the “LC Phenom” by aides who talk too much.
A few of us outsiders did begin to notice furtive glances between members of Congress and the Senate as they passed each other. It is so subtle, with a raise of a brow here, the dusting of a shoulder there, the forced cough or puff of air, in various combinations not yet totally deciphered . But concentrated study has recently begun by the undercover contractors recently back from Georgia who will turn key the operations of the newly formed but not yet permanently named 501(c)3 org whose nominal purpose is to to study the difference between the words “blow” and “suck”, since so many politicians use each in back roon situations and negotiations.
But the real undercover purpose is to figure out the new, quiet, mostly only visual pig latin like code used amongst our elected lovers of pork and other pleasures. So far we have had to rely on under the table foreign donations, but we have pledges from several legislators on each side of the aisle to plug us into the very next pork place, Repubs and Dems alike thinking that we will use the money only to out the other side during this election cycle.
So far, only this much is known, or at least highly suspected. A certain combination, the raised right eye brow, followed by a twist of the head up, pursed lips lightly blowing air out while moving the head slightly around to the back probably solicits the “LC” question mark of “do you have a love child?” Slightly different combinations, starting with the left eye brow, with lips tightened to suck air in, probably turns the “LC” question into “do you Larry Craig?”.
It seems most of our leaders have begun to expect that most of them are doing something that should not prudently be denied in front of a camera, and an effort is underway without the MSM or the MLM knowing anything about it, to get a reliable survey of which activity is practiced by whom and how many legislators are involved. We believe over ninety percent are suspected by the talkative insiders of “something”.
What the ultimate or even the near term purpose of this self survey is, remains unclear, although there is growing speculation it may be related to a new amendment to be attached to an irrelevant bill, essentially authorizing such ongoing activities as a paid benefit to help lawmakers manage the stress of their jobs and perhaps even making it a crime for anyone to expose it. The new benefit will not be taxed in keeping with the Republican pledges not to raise taxes. Democrats are expected to go along with that if they get to extend the benefit to family and “friends”. We just hope our funding gets in with the first possible pork roast because we need new furniture.
Unfortunately, the truth about the LC Chronicles, is really still blowing in the wind or elsewhere, but you can be assured that as we find more credible evidence, we will leak it to the National Enquirer, chosen because our very investigation of the LC Phenom could get us kicked out as a New York Times blog contributor, which we conduct under a name you would never suspect. Fox news has no clue either.
But anyone who bothered to read to the end or simply jumped here first, of course knows the LC Phenom refers to the initials for naughty behavior by someone in each dominant political party.
HypChanneling Returns - 2008 Impreachment of President Bush
HypChanneling returns, this time in beta tripartite diploSpeak, a new UN standard for international crimes, styled as a retro platonic menage a trois.
Our featured High Crimes and Misdemeanor Trio consists of The W (George Bush) as The Accused who is grilled with consistent truthfulness by The JE (John Edwards) who was congressionally appointed to keep him in the game, as The Chief Prosecutor. This trial was presided over by The CH, The Chief Hypocrite, as The Decider. The CH is also the assembler of this first and only report to the public.
You will not read about this Impreachment anywhere else, because of the special circumstances under which it was conducted. Yes, you read that correctly.
It has already begun, been completed and is over and is not even a footnote in history. You nor the MSM or for that matter any of the MLM (Minor League Media ie bloggers) knew or still knows anything about this unusual event, details of which will be unclassified and released after 50 years or after the death of all involved or via leaking by the New York Times, whichever comes first.
History does have a way of repeating at least portions of itself, however there always seems to be a new twist in each incarnation. The 2008 Impreachment was enabled in a secret, unpublished classified compromise amendment, signed by Bush with a disappearing ink pen, which amendment was attached to one of the many bills passed by the Democrat majorities.
These several bills, essentially legitimized all of President Bush’s alleged illegal actions. Despite that, many of the secret signatories still contribute impotent diatribes on the subject of various impeachable acts to the media to “energize” their progressive base. Regardless, Bush and the Democrats toasted in secret underground signing ceremonies, which we got an exclusive grainy photo of.
Too bad we didn’t get a photo with audio, especially at the point where Bush fist tapped Nancy Pelosi, saying, “You go, Girl!” and she responded “Free our President”, insisting on a high five.
The historic compromises included, from Bush, that he would agree to plead nolo contendere, although he did not remember who nolo was and bristled a little at the uppity spanish used.
Compromises from the Democrats included pretending in public that he was never tried or convicted or disclosing any of the terms of his sentence which included permanent immunity from any future crimes, real or imagined, although they reserved the right to complain bitterly and forever about his crimes.
To ensure that they could never say Bush was Impeached, when they wrote the bill they called it Impreachment. Bush thought that had an evangelical flavor and was grateful. They also were grateful figuring that their unlimited assertions of high crimes and misdemeanors permanently into the future would ensure funding advantages over the Republicans for years and periodically re-energizng the base when needed.
The Impreachment proceedings, including the direct exchanges between the Chief Prosecutor and The Accused reportedly were not all retained in media form, except for the copy we obtained. One of the conditions we agreed to reluctantly was never to release enough of it to convince anyone of it’s validity and never to correct the New York Times even when they misreport.
For this report we have decided to release this noteworthy transcribed snippet, we have dubbed “The Outright Lie”.
The CH: Gentlemen, start your engines, you know the rules.
The JE: Thank you Chief. As one Chief to another, I trust that you will not take offense at how I conducted myself during our last interview, I must admit that I was in a deliberative process of learning that my internal adviser had partially turned my good judgment over to the hubris of my circumstances all of which has made me a better man, husband, father and candidate, don’t you think?
The CH: Please continue with the important proceedings at hand.
The JE: Agreed. My thoughts exactly, glad we see things the same way.
Now, Mr President….ahh, Mr President…..after exhaustive reviews of all the films (including direct one on one meetings with one web based filmmaker) and political books chronicling your multiple and outrageous abuses of the public trust, embarrassing your family and your party and your countrymen in full view of our allies and enemies around the globe, as you shredded the US Constitution over and over again, breaking US and international law unilaterally, I saw two Americas.
The W: Like north and south?
The JE: Easy now, Mr President. No. First I saw the average man, struggling to keep his family fed and clothed and in good health without access to health insurance, struggling for a better tomorrow like my dad did in the mills. And then I see your kind, with narcissistic privilege, access, money, unaccountability, taking advantage of others because you can, assuming you are invincible and willing to look the camera in the eye and say I did not do it and I do not know what you are talking about as I’ve responded consistently.
The W: For some reason, that does sound kinda familiar.
The JE: Stop interrupting! Mr President, how could you invade Iraq knowing it was all based on a lie?
The W: All I really know, is what Cheney, Big Al, Hillary, Colin and the Clinton CIA guy told me, that y’al
saw what they all told me about and you voted for me to do it, didn’t you?
The JE: But, Mr Presidnet you knew more than me, in fact you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, a high crime and misdemeanor, that there was no WMD in Iraq! You lied to the American people, to me, to your wife and kids and to the world just so you could get something that hurt us all! You said the reason we had to go into Iraq was to find and destroy the WMD there.
The W: I’ll tell you something I have never told anyone before about this WMD thing in Iraq. Come closer.
The JE: Quiet confession is good for the soul, Mr President, and I pray redemption continues to be the American way.
The CH: Speak up, I need to hear this.
The W: I confess I was upset when Michael Moore said I was not as smart as a Democrat. He said a Democrat would have been smart enough to plant WMD in Iraq after we invaded and could not find any like we thought. I never thought about that…hurt my feelings. That’s my confession, and damn if you’re not right, I feel better now.
The CH: Case dismissed.
Strange Haze Deemed Cause of PPS in Capitol
The Underground Association (UASS), a quiet think tank devoted to studying the cause of PPS which afflicts most of our nations governmental incumbents according to recent polls giving congress a record low 9% approval rating, barely more than a quarter of President Bush’s own personal best low, sans warm fuzzies, has developed a new theory and as luck would have it there might be a solution or two, all very expensive.
These pictures taken from on high seem to establish an 88% correlation between the observations of the dubbed “Hazy Phenom” (TM) and the PPS, some think stands for Partisan Political Stupidities, but that has not yet been confirmed by the AIL, the Agency for Intelligent Life, an underfunded department of NASA which collaborates with UASS.
Merck is said to be negotiating with overseas investors to fund the years of testing the bullet shaped pill vaccine they have developed will require. Please, please do not trade Merck stock based on this Insider Information not yet publicly available.
If ultimately approved, it will be given to all political parties at a taxpayer cost of $100,000 per dose, most of which will go to the overseas investors because no Democrat wants domestic Merck to be the next Exxon. Only one dose is thought to be necessary for the first year, thereafter the taxpayer will get a break with the biannual booster doses ($70,000 each) which are required, unless a special needs double dose is required in the case of Larry Craig, Ted Stevens and John Edwards to name only a few.
Each dose is to be taken rectally immediately by anyone who declares their candidacy for public office. Losers in any campaign will be eligible for half the normal lucrative congressional retirement package after a 2 month waiting period. Fortunately, for the FDA required study, it will be necessary to enlist only a few actual live incumbent political volunteers, who will immediately then be eligible for 4 times their lucrative governmental retirement package, plus their normal salary and perks.
Taxpayers are receiving a huge Congressionally Mandated Expenditure Reduction Benefit due to the adroitly formulated study in this 2008 Enactment, because most of the tests will be run on about a 1000 randomly selected amongst the newly discovered 125,000 previously unknown lowland gorillas in Africa, the closest known genetic match up to the subjects under consideration. Each of these gorillas and their descendants into the next four generations will only receive half the benefit of the human participants.
If this does not work, some think the UN will have to be brought in to help our government eventually manage a merger with higher intelligent life SETI hopes to find SOON, but if that does not happen, then perpaps, Robert Mugabe could be recruited to pull us out of our downward spiral which many believe is due directly to the PPS epidemic. Others think T. Boone Pickens should be hired to build a giant fan to blow them away, or at least the Hazy Phenom and solve our energy problems at the same time.
Ready Rudy Interview, Chief Hypocrite with Giuliani after Concession to John McCain
CH: Before we begin, let me say how impressed I am with your performance during 9/11 and how you cleaned up crime in New York City.
RR: Thank you, that is what the citizens of New York hired me to do and I think I met their expectations.
Chief Hypocrite Fake Interview with Mitt Romney Post McCain Endorsement
CH: Governor Romney, before I begin the formal part of the interview, may I say how impressed we were when you endorsed John McCain. Unless there was some technical distortion on our technology, it seemed that although this was an endorsement, neither you nor John looked at each other.
M: Yours is definitely not Bain Capital financed technology, so it is probably faulty. John and I are good friends even after conducting a spirited campaign.
JohnWords Interview
CH: Mr Words, before we begin, may I say how impressed I am with your hair?
JW: The American people see beyond such pettiness, what network did you say you are from?
CH: In this interview I am representing the HypChannel which specializes in..
Eureka, Now We Can Interview Ourselves On TV!
This belongs in the books of impossible happenings.
While conducting secret routine maintenance on our HypChannel supersecret technology, one of the folks from over at Manpower switched two wires and after the smoke blew away we checked things out and to our relief discovered that our original technology appeared to be in fine form but, then, then we learned how to Channel, get this, we can now, you’ll never believe it till you see it…….Deep breath. Thanks for your patience.
We can now use the HypChannel in Reverse! But only if the union writers are not on strike!
Rock, Rocks Clinton
Chris Rock cracked up the audience at his New Year’s Eve show with a few quips about Hillary Clinton. “I think America’s ready for a woman president . . . just not that woman,” Rock told the crowd at New York’s Madison Square Garden.
“Being married to somebody doesn’t make you good at their job. I’ve been with my wife 10 years now. If she got up here right now, y’all wouldn’t laugh.
Freddy Law Interview
CH: Before we begin let me say how impressed I am with your performance in the 1974 WaterGate questioning wherein you asked probably the pivotal question that revealed the existence of tapes in Nixon’s office which was the turning point in his fall from grace. Since then, professional writers have probably provided you with most of your material you have used in your career.
FL: Well when I was the Senator I spoke mostly without professional scripting.
CH: Um, ah, so embarrassing, I forgot about that…how long were you a Senator and what state did you represent?
No Nativity Scene in Congress
Have you heard the latest? There will be no Nativity Scene in the United States Congress this year!
Not for any religious reason as might have been expected. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation’s Capitol.
Too bad, as there was no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.
About Fake Interviews
Due to the overwhelming demand by Public Persons (PPs) to be interviewed by our Contributor Hypsters, it frequently occurs that the generous times offered to us for such interviews are simply not convenient for us.
Many politicians and other celebrities weep when informed that we only have time for a Channeled Interview.
If you want to learn this techology, read more about it below and Click Here if you want to submit such an Interview (completely fake).
Hillary on HypChannel with Chief Hypocrite
CH: Mrs Clinton, before we begin, let me say how impressed I am of your political career ever since you plugged into politics as a young Republican from Illinois.
HRC: That is kind of you to say, and thanks for pointing out that while I did start out on the dark side, I very early on discovered a better way, and the voters can benefit from my good judgment. Speaking of good judgment did your parents name you Chief Hypocrite?
Chief Hypocrite Surges with W (aka Dubya)
Welcome to the Inaugural Fake Interview by Chief Hypocrite, using proprietary channeling techniques, PPUC (process patent under consideration).
We decided to choose to interview the President of the United States. We are honored by this choice:
Chief Hypocrite: Mr President, before we get started I must tell you how impressed I am that you have become the President of the United States, not once but twice.
W: Well, Chefe, this here interview, ’snot really my ballgame like when I owned that team down there in god country, What you using some kind of powerful juju stick? The American, they people spoke good both times. Talk to the people.