Palin Parody

“Good mornin’ class. It’s sure nice to see so doggone many happy faces smilin’ up at me today, right here in America, the bestest country ever. For those of you whose memory isn’t what it used to be—and whose is, boy-howdy—my name is Sarah Palin. I was John McCain’s runnin’ mate against President Barack Obama in the last election.

“Now, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, I’m gonna give it to you straight, without the media elite twisting my words into pretzels, or that snooty Katie Couric pullin’ ‘gotchya’ stunts tryin’ to make me sound like a bimbo.

“I lost that election. But I’m not a loser and neither are you!

“That’s today’s lesson at the Sarah Palin School of Low Expectations—we are winners if we say so. Nobody but us can set the bar for our success, and the secret of life is to set that bar so low you’ve already crossed it.

“As I look around the room and see the Wall Street executives and CEOs, the religious leaders and educators, the Dancing With The Stars ex-contestants and Republican ex-senators lookin’ back at me, I can see the question in your eyes. ‘Can I take advantage of the same trick that got Sarah Palin, beauty queen and governor of Alaska—which is almost a state—through a disastrous campaign with a twinkle in her eyes and an allurin’ grin on her adorable face? Will the magic of low expectations work for me?

“You betchya!

“If I can do it, anyone can do it. I don’t think it’s a big secret that I had absolutely no business even bein’ considered Vice Presidential material by John McCain or anyone else. The only difference between me and Dan Quayle is that he’s prettier and he went further in the spellin’ bee. He got tripped up when the liberal media asked him to spell potato and I flunked out on moose.

“But Dan Quayle didn’t know my system. He let that potato make him a loser, but I didn’t let no moose do that to this hockey mom! I shot that sucker square between the eyes and served it to my big, main-street, American family for dinner.

“Low expectations works! When I got my tush handed to me by that smart-aleck Joe Biden during our debate, the whole world thought I’d broken even, at worst!

“Why? Because I had carefully set the bar so low I couldn’t have tripped over it in five-inch heels. All I had to do was keep a seductive smile on my lips while stringin’ random English words together not answerin’ the questions until the light told me to stop, and I was a winner!

“Was I nervous? Course I was! One time my stomach got so jumpy durin’ some foreigner policy question or something that I let out a smelly. You can see ‘can I call you Joe’ make the uglyface when it hit him. But nobody knew because I squeaked it out. If the microphones don’t pick it up, it never happened.

“Remember that class. Never let ‘em see you sweat. Or hear you fart.

“So you’ve had a rough time of it lately. Your company went bankrupt, the government had to bail out your golden parachute, Charlie Rose doesn’t answer your phone calls anymore, you can’t get a decent table at TGI Fridays and your kids tell all their friends at Groton that you’re a fireman.

“Big deal. Tell ‘em that’s just what you wanted! That’s your story and you’re sticking to it.

“Well, jeez-o-flip, class, I see we’re almost out of time. Here are your homework assignments.

“I want you Wall Street fellas to write, in your own words—no cheaties—why you’re happy your companies went bust and got bought by Dubai because, unlike Ken Lay, you’re not in jail, or dead.

“Religious leaders, tell me how your wife is totally behind raising the bastard child you had with that call girl, because you’ve both always wanted to help the underprivileged.

“And you Republicans—well, gosh almighty, I know it’s gonna be hard—but I want you to put on your little spin beanies and write an essay about how you’re glad you lost the election because you broke every toy in the store and mommy told you to go home and stay in bed while the Democrats try to clean up your mess.

“Class dismissed, you cute rascals. Next week we’ll practice ‘the wink.”