Just Jokes
“Foreclosure Magazine” Launches!
It is finally here! I got my copy of “Foreclosure: The Magazine for the Newly Broke” today. 
You say American capitalism isn’t working? The brilliant entrepreneurs behind “Foreclosure” beg to differ. They saw a need and filled it—they found the cash in the crash.
I highly recommend you subscribe on your own, but as a teaser, let me list of few of the juiciest articles in the first issue of America’s newest publishing sensation.
“Depression Chick: Second-hand fashions for the well-dressed Nouveau Pauvre!”
“Casual Cuisine: Dumpster diving with Rachael Ray.”
“Six in the Ford Fiesta! Living large on four wheels—how one family beat the high cost of housing.”
“Work the Welfare System! Ten scripts sure to bring tears to the hardest Bureaucrat’s Heart.”
“Hop That Freight! Riding the rails and other Adventure Sports for the healthy homeless lifestyle.”
“101 Yummy Government Cheese Recipes!”
“Fifty Surefire Begging Signs: Be the STAR on your corner”!
And it’s not just lightweight stuff.. “Foreclosure” also takes on the hard-hitting issues of the day with such substantive pieces as:
“Breadline Etiquette: Is it OK to use your pre-teens to hold your place in line while you panhandle?”
“The Sex Trade: New careers in the oldest profession.”
And my personal favorite:
“Drug Addiction: Paradise for Peons or Fool’s Gold for the Foreclosed? A Foreclosure Magazine Debate.”
Run out and get a copy while you can still afford it. That’s what I did and that’s my advice to you. I can hardly wait for next month’s issue—the cover stories sound delightful!
“The Wisdom of our People: A Hobo Speaks.” And:
“Filth—The New Black.”
LEXOPHILE HUMOR
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Circumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I’ll show you a flat miner.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done
What do you want to talk about?
Nuclear Power Conversations on an Airline
A stranger, new to flying, was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’ The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?‘ ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
‘OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’