Humor
Skinning the cat
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ and he said ‘no’. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. ‘Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.’ Then he hung up.
Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’ George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!
(True Story) - Don’t mess with old people.
Election Jones
I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. All my hopes and dreams had come to fruition last Tuesday, I should be feeling great. And I was—for about two days after the election.
For a couple of days there I felt vindicated, optimistic, proud and giddy high. Obama heralds a new age, or, at the very least, the end of an old, used-up one. And I still believe those things.
So why do I have the shakes? Why this nervous feeling of unease, of something missing, why do I have the rocking pneumonia and the boogie-woogie flu? Why am I sweating like a Mormon missionary being chased by a pack of pissed off homosexuals in San Francisco?
I mean, I’m not gay, nobody destroyed my marriage last week, just for spite. So what has my skin all itchy-twitchy and my guts in an uproar? Why is my achy-breaky heart pounding like it’s auditioning for the hip hop awards?
We won, right?
And then I got it. Yes, we won, and that means it’s over. I’m not depressed about the outcome, I’m in withdrawal. I’ve spent the last twenty-four months mainlining news, conflict, opinion and drama daily. I’m coming down hard off a two-year-long, four-hour-a-day habit. The excitement is gone, the suspense is gone, the conflict is gone, the drama is gone, I’m jonesing my ass off.
My name is Snark and I’m an election junkie. I bet some of you are too.
That’s the most important thing to remember, we are not alone. There are millions of us. A nation that last week provided pure, uncut, election buzz for zero dollars a gram 
has now dried up totally. There isn’t a good election high on offer anywhere. And the cheap, Al Franken, senate race stuff doesn’t cut it; it’s just seeds and stems.
It’s all gone now, not a thrill to be had. And if you think it’s bad for us, what about the TV news opinion pushers? We’re talking Panic in Pundit Park.
Unfortunately, there is no 12 step program for us election junkies, no media methadone to help us come down slow. We have to do it ourselves.
I’ve been trying to do just that, but it’s really hard. I’m trying to get clean, to restart my normal life. But it’s hard to get reacquainted with the wife and kids when you’re on the toilet half the time. It’s hard to concentrate on your work when your sweaty fingers have a mind of their own and go blog crazy on the office keyboard, searching desperately for an election fix that isn’t there.
I got so pathetic I spent an hour googling Ted Stevens at 3 AM while my wife cried tears of loneliness in our cold, empty bed. That’s when I knew I’d hit rock bottom. It was time to get straight or die.
It’s been rough, I won’t kid you. There have been times I didn’t think I would make it.
But with Jesus’s help and a whole lot of heroin I’m getting my life back. I’m in recovery now, I admitted my powerlessness over my addiction, put my life in the hands of a higher power and, little by 
little, I’m getting better.
So can you, if you admit your affliction and treat your malady like the disease it is. You aren’t depressed, you aren’t unhappy, your life isn’t a total mess, you are in withdrawal, you are kicking, admit that and you have a fighting chance.
One day at a time, my friends. At least for the next thousand days. After that the 2012 campaign will be in full swing and the election dope will flow like water.
I already feel a relapse coming on.
Bicycle Accident
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered.She continued, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
He Said, I Said
He said to me . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to
put in it. I said to him . . . You wear pants don’t you?
He said to me . . ….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!
He said to me. … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don’t have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don’t know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and
go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the
fridge.
Post Election Humor
During one touching moment during Barack Obama’s acceptance speech, Oprah was crying; Jesse Jackson was crying; Hillary was crying . . . in fact, she’s still crying.– Leno
Obama spent his first day as president-elect by assembling his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow, he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.- Leno
Everybody’s excited about the election. Hookers in Times Square are offering the Obama special — $50 and you get change.- Letterman
Barack Obama says that the election results gave him a mandate. A man-date? That’s what got that Sen. Larry Craig in trouble.- Letterman
In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama say they’re going to invite Barack Obama to visit. A similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected and was invited to Horndog, Thailand. – Conan OBrien
Barack Obama was briefed today by the Treasury secretary on the economy. Afterwards, Obama called John McCain and offered him the presidency. — Conan O’Brien
A reporter tried to pet President Bush’s dog, Barney, and it bit him. They’re saying they may have to put him down. No word yet on what they’ll do with Barney.- Craig Ferguson.
McCain aides described the Sarah Palin as an episode of the “the Wasilla hillbillies.”—Jimmy Kimmel
I could agree with you but that would make us both wrong –Richard
Secret Stunner Immediately Follows Obama Election
Ralph Nader got less than 1 percent of the vote — actually losing to low fat milk.
By a 52% to 46% popular vote margin yielding a 349 to 161 Electoral College bulge Barrack Obama resoundingly defeated John McCain. Massachusetts legalized marijuana use. San Francisco rejected legal prostitution. But, T. Boone Pickens managed to get screwed poured tens of millions into a California proposition to advance his clean fuel ballot proposition but lost both his money and at the ballot box. It appears Californians has voted for the second time to ban homosexual marriage. Democrats now control 253 seats in the House of Representatives to 182 for the GOP. Democrats failed to get a filibuster proof senate controlling 54 Senate seats to 42 for the GOP ensuring it an obstructionist role.
In what can be seen as the first problem to face the new U. S. President IsraelNN.com released a breathtaking story first printed in the Lebanese newspaper al-Ahbar, saying Barrack Obama has secretly told Abbas that he supports a Palestinian state, and Arab “rights to east Jerusalem” as well. The sources said Abbas and Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Salam Fayyad “heard the best things they ever heard from an American president.” Sources quoted in the report, said the U. S. President elect Obama asked them to keep his declaration a secret. The story included the quote “…The PA hopes that the next American president will fulfill his commitment towards the Palestinians and pressure Israel.”
On Wednesday Voice of Israel government radio reported Arabs living in the Gaza were reportedly celebrating in the streets with impromptu demonstrations, waving flags of the terrorist organization Hamas.
There are many ways for men to get a fight started.
!. When I got home last night, my wife asked me to take her someplace expensive…so I took her to a gas station…and that is how that fight started.
2. I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream
for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that’s how that fight started…
3: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’. And that’s how that fight started…..
4: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ And that’s how the fight started…..
5: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ So, I looked down at him, and in my cutsie voice said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’ And that’s how the fight
started…..
6: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak,
medium rare, please.’ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’ And that’s how the fight started…..
Maybe Its Methane Says MIT But Not Bossy’s Fault
Absurd Proposal to Attached DEPENDS-LIKE Gadget to Cow’s Rearend To Stop Global Warming
In the 1960s flatulent cows were accused of causing what was then predicted global warming because methane is such an effective greenhouse gas. The world would soon be a vast desert. Predictably bureaucrats and hysterical scientists proposed attaching methane collectors and filters to the offending end of cows and all livestock. Sensing that something smelled the assembled farmers laughed the officials out of the Grange Meeting to disappear with their Depends-like gadgets into a stormy Ohio night.
Nobody there argued that cows can be insensitive about their copious gaseous emission and walking behind one is a good way to have your eyes burning in addition to a soaked leg. “Watch it when she raises that tail” is an admonition given every farm boy or otherwise learned the hard way.
Now MIT scientist say methane is on the rise again worldwide and simultaneously and they believe this may be part of a natural cycle in Mother Nature, not bossy or other human causes.
The two lead authors of a paper published in this week’s Geophysical Review Letters, Matthew Rigby and Ronald Prinn, the TEPCO Professor of Atmospheric Chemistry in MIT’s Department
of Earth, Atmospheric and Planetary Science, state that as a result of the increase, several million tons of new methane is present in the atmosphere and it is five times more effective a greenhouse gas that carbon dioxide.
It is clear it isn’t bossy’s fault but I’d still watch that tail if I were you.
Response To How Tax Policy Works, Misattributed to David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Hypocrisy indeed. I prefer this explanation: (To How Tax Policy Works
Misattributed to Dr Kamerschen)
In the US and throughout most of the rest of the world, the tenth man would have paid off a politician for $10 to get a beer subsidy of $30 per night(to create jobs for the bartender). Of this $30, $10 of course would have covered the lobbying expense, $10 would go in his own pocket, $1 would go to the bartender to keep his mouth shut, and $9 would go to the bar.
The Bar would give him a kickback of $10 each night for bringing in his 9 buddies to make them into alcoholics, repeat customers for life.
The Bar would then raise their prices to $130 citing inflation and higher taxes.
The tenth richest man would then secure his finances in a Dutch Holding Company managed by a trust in Ireland which invests in Chase and Bank of America. He would then explain to his buddies that he is as poor as the rest of them and can’t afford to pay himself as he cries into his beer that night citing his latest financial report which shows him to be broke on paper so that he doesn’t have to pay taxes in the United States ever again.
Citing his former generosity, the other nine men would agree that the tenth man can now pay nothing like the 4 poorest.
The others would then be faced with an adjusted amount of
* The fifth would pay $3.
* The sixth would pay $10.
* The seventh would pay $22.
* The eighth would pay $38.
* The ninth would pay $57.
Now the group would recognize that this is not fair and so would lobby the Government for an Earned Drinking Credit for the Poorest men. The government would oblige and give the four poorest men $2 each, but they would tax the 5th - 9th men $2 each as well.
* 4 men receive a total of $8 and 5 men pay $10.
The adjusted amounts would then look like this for all 10
* First Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
* Second Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
* Third Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
* Fourth Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
* Fifth Pay $1 to bar pays $2 to tax | net paid $3
* Sixth Pay $8 to bar; pays $2 to tax | net paid $10
* Seventh Pay $20 to bar; pays $2 to tax | net paid $22
* Eighth Pay $36 to bar pays $2 to tax | net paid $38
* Ninth Pay $55 to bar; pays $2 to tax | net paid $57
* Tenth Man: Tax Credit Received: $30 ;
Pays $10 to politician;
$1 to bartender;
Receives $10 from Bar
Net RECEIVED $29 per night and free beer
Of course this can not go on forever as the sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth men can’t afford to pay those rates forever. So they start paying with their credit cards held by Bank of America and Chase.
The tenth man would start demanding a higher Return on Investment from his investment managers, who would be hearing similar requests from all of their other investors. They would then expand their holdings into mortgaged back securities where a good deal more profit could be made.
Meanwhile the Fifth through ninth men are racking up debt on their credit cards from drinking every night, their health care costs are increasing as their liver fails, and they are also spending more on gasoline as they drink and drive as they can no longer afford to cab it.
Ultimately, they end up refinancing their credit cards into their house where they have equity. The mortgage broker promises them a 4.9% interest rate on the refinance which sounds good as their credit card interest rate is up to 21%. The broker promises them that they will not have to verify their income, provide W2’s nor copies of their tax paper work.
Their mortgage broker doesn’t tell them, but lies about the value of their house in order to refinance their credit and help them avoid paying private mortgage insurance. At their current income levels, and without verifying their income, their mortgage would be classified as Sub Prime and the interest rate would be 10.9%
The mortgage officer lies about their income levels as well to boost the internal credit scoring mechanism and get them financed, not at 4.9% but 5.9%, which is better than 10.9% and happens to pay the mortgage broker a higher commission than a loan at 4.9% that is not sub prime.
The mortgage broker also promises them a payment of $900 per month, but fails to mention the balloon payment of $50,000 in the 5th year and doesn’t mention the adjustable rates in year 3.
The men separately show up with a hangover and sun glasses on the date of their close for their new mortgages. They trust their broker and do not read the paperwork in detail flipping and signing almost as fast as they could raise a beer bottle to their lips.
The loan closes, the mortgage broker gets a fat commission, the bank securitizes the mortgages by selling them to an Irish Hedge Fund and pockets collectively a billion dollars in profits that year.
The hedge fund holds the investment for a year, shows a 35% gain on paper and starts selling shares to retirement funds and 401ks in the US that the Sixth through 9th men just happen to have the rest of their life savings sitting in.
The tenth man sees the writing on the wall, literally magic marker on a stall in the restroom of the bar.
“The end is Nigh”
He pulls his money out of the Irish Hedge fund invested in real estate and invests in Gold at $600 a troy ounce.
Meanwhile, he lobbies congress to tighten bankruptcy laws for credit cards which he still has a sizable investment in. Congress tightens bankruptcy laws and makes it impossible to absolve credit card debt, forcing people into chapter 13 where they must pay off the debt within 3 years or go to debtors prison where they can work it off in 7 years.
Gas prices are still going up so the President ignores a minor terrorist threat, allows the terrorists to blow up a major building and then goes to war with the terrorists home country where there is no oil, and simultaneously with a country that sits on 10% of the worlds oil reserves that has a decimated military infrastructure.
Oil prices shoot through the roof with Gold following close behind. The President whose family comes from oil barons make a fortune and become famous at their skull and bones country club outside of Yale.
Meanwhile our famous 10 guys, start paying even more money at the pump. The first 4 guys end up taking second jobs working at Wal-Mart and have to give up drinking at the bar so that they can try and beat their teenage kids out of a promotion.
The fifth and sixth guys get foreclosed upon. They were forced to stop paying their mortgage payments so that they could pay their mandatory credit card payments as required by the new bankruptcy law.
The seventh, eighth and ninth men all previously traded up their homes for McMansions that they can not afford with interest only payments of $2300 a month. When foreclosures start happening their plans on flipping their McMansions and cashing in on the equity slips through their fingers.
To make matters worse seven and eight get laid off from the companies they work for when their jobs get outsourced to China. The ninth man keeps his job at a law firm, but fails to notice that his 401k fund is slipping and has lost 10% in the last year. Things are looking up as his law firm seems on the edge of landing a big contract with Merrill Lynch.
Then the real estate crash and sub prime mortgage scandal erupt. Banks start dropping like flies to be saved not by the cash strapped government that can barely afford the war for oil any longer, but by China. Oil and Gold soar, Gold hits $900 a troy ounce and Oil hits $130 a barrel (about the same amount for 10 rounds of beer prior to the crash). Beer prices hold steady for the first few months, but then start to edge up as gas prices for delivery creep into the bar owners expenses.
Then the first four men one night remember their favorite bar. They sneak around back around 4:30 am and steal 50 empty kegs that just happen to be made of pure aluminum. Those kegs are now worth about half the value of a keg that is full in scrap metal prices or about $80.
They are not stupid and don’t want to get caught turning the kegs in at the dump where the police are already looking for keg thieves. So they head out to the closed down manufacturing plant where they used to work. They start a big fire, and melt down the aluminum into big messy aluminum splashes on the cement.
They turn in the aluminum for cash and get caught up on their back alimony and child support before heading back to work at Wal-mart where they now work for their teen age kids that beat them out for that promotion earlier in the month because their job skills weren’t as good as recent high school graduates. They then begin dreaming of new ways to find aluminum alimony allowances.
Meanwhile, the banks and mortgage companies lobby congress spending about $10,000 a head in an election year to bail out the economy. Congress provides the major banks with government backed loans to refinance the bad sub prime loans so that the government can personally guarantee those bad loans. They also put $100 billion of actual cash into the hands of Americans hoping to stimulate the economy.
Americans however, are all in debt up to their eye balls and use the extra $1200 they receive to make 2-3 credit card payments. They take the $300 for each kid and buy groceries for the month and then they start worrying about next month.
The banks get away free as they have Chinese financing now and no bad loans as they have refinanced them over to the US Government. The US government had to print more money to pay for all of these actions and so Gold goes up to $1500 a troy ounce.
The tenth man is now worth Billions and moves to Costa Rica to retire taking the new trophy wife that used to be the bartenders girl friend with him.
The first four men end up going to county prison for 3 months for stealing aluminum dog crap receptacles after running out of kegs to steal.
The fifth and sixth men end up living in an apartment and then homeless after they lose their jobs at Wal-Mart.
The seventh and eighth men whom we previously left hanging in our story after they lost their jobs and ability to pay for their homes, end up losing their homes, and their kids. They and their spouses are each convicted of mortgage fraud by the FBI in a major sting operation after it is revealed that they lied on their mortgage applications. Their mortgage brokers who actually did the paper work cop a plea agreement in exchange for immunity with the Feds and rat out each of their unsuspecting customers.
The ninth man ends up losing his entire retirement fund which took a big hit as the dollar rapidly plummeted into free fall. He ends up refinancing his own house under a government backed loan for $650,000. Unfortunately, a tornado comes through that winter in a freak coincidence and levels the home. FEMA promises to provide assistance but never shows up and the ninth man freezes to death attempting to salvage the shreds of his belongings. His home insurance policy refuses to pay as they claim that his house was over valued and then they prove it with comparables studies from his own mortgage brokers database.
The tenth man ends up dumping his new bride a year later, moving back to the states a year after that when the US appears to have hit rock bottom and he leads up a Chinese real estate investment initiative in the states. He makes another $10 billion in ten years, but is then executed in Beijing for espionage.
Meanwhile, the bar tender goes on to win American Idol and sleep with Paula Abdul. They are now blissfully happy, doped up on anti-psychotics, and the biggest two idiots the world has ever seen.
Moore Movie Shoots To Top In Miami Debut
Nationalized health care is playing a big part in next weeks Presidential election
SHOOTING MICHAEL MOORE , the documentary that turned the tables and camera on Michael Moore for misrepesentations in his SICKO film, and looks into the often fetid bowels of Cuba’s and the UK’s “nationalized” health care system was the highest grossing film on it’s third day at AMC in Mall of America in Miami last week. Despite little advertising, and inadvertently, none by the theater on the internet or in the newspapers, word of mouth from interviews on local radio stations, made it the top film for a day in a largely Cuban expatriate neighborhood.
The film is timely because health care is playing a big part in next weeks Presidential election.
So successful was the quiet roll out of the privately produced film that ad dollars are being solicited for more markets and it’s run has been extended at least one week at the current theater as it is being considered for wider screening in the Miami area and other markets including New York and Los Angeles.
Although the film has no direct connection with the David Zucker directed film AN AMERICA CAROL that premiered nationwide October 3rd both mock Moore . AN AMERICAN CAROL was done in Zucker’s spoof style and Shooting Michael Moore by Kevin Leffler, a classmate of Michael Moore, is done in a lighthearted, funny way and is chock full of facts about Michael Moore that would embarrass anyone with any sense of shame.
A Few Political Jokes
I don’t make political jokes; because I have seen too many of them elected. — Richard Cochrane
Financial experts are saying the economic crisis is going to cost $2.8 trillion. It’s hard for people to visualize $2.8 trillion. To put it in perspective, that’s enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year.- Leno
Sarah Palin’s campaign made three stops today — Saks, Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdale’s – Leno
Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud. Republicans are relieved — at least it didn’t involve an airport men’s room – Letterman
The winner of next week’s election meets Hillary in the finals.—Letterman
CNN reported that the polls in Pennsylvania show little movement for John McCain. At this point, the only way for McCain to show movement involves eating a bowl of Raisin Bran. – Conan OBrien
The airport in Anchorage, Alaska, is named Ted Stevens International Airport. They’ll have to rename it “Prisoner No. 4983 Airport.”—Craig Ferguson
How Tax Policy Works, Attributed to David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer, and the bill for all ten
comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go
something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that’s what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. ‘Since you are
all such good customers,’ he said, ‘I’m going to reduce the cost of your
daily beer by $20. ‘Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.’
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the
first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they
divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share’?
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that
from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end
up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would
be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount and he
proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savi ngs).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued
to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to
compare their savings.’I only got a dollar out of the $20,’ declared the sixth
man. He pointed to the tenth man, ‘but he got $10!’
‘Yeah, that’s right,’ exclaimed the fifth man. ‘I only saved a dollar,
too. It’s unfair that he got ten times as much as I!’
‘That’s true!!’ shouted the seventh man. ‘Why should he get $10 back
when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!’
‘Wait a minute,’ yelled the first four men in unison. ‘We didn’t get
anything at all. The system exploits the poor!’
The nine men surrounded the tenth man and beat him up. The next night the
tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers
without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered
something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of
them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our
tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit
from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and
they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking
overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not
understand, no explanation is possible.
Actuallly Snopes say the Author of this humorous explanation is probably unknown.
Waiting and waiting….
I couldn’t take it anymore, the wait was killing me. Even writing m
y weekly commentary wasn’t cutting it. I had to do something to make the next two weeks pass quickly, so I took a job. I figured if I had to wait, I might as well make some money doing it….
“Welcome to Chez Hypocrisy, my name is Snark and I’ll be your waiter tonight.
“Our special appetizers, available for the next four days, seven if necessary, are Tampa Bay Ray ala Irwin, or Olde Tyme Philly Cheesesteak. Whichever you choose I can assure you, it’s World Class.
“No, I’m sorry, we ran out of Boston Chowder last week. It was a big surprise to us, too. The same is true of our Los Angeles Chokeburger.
“Our end-of-the-month dinner specials include a delicious Fillet of dry-aged Johnny Steak, smothered in Alaskan mud, with heirloom bitter herbs and a salad of Green Envy, dressed with Regret. That also comes with your choice of whine, White or Whiter.
“If you’re dieting, I recommend the Russian Bear Claw Palin. It’ll do wonders for your waistline. It’s low carb, low fat, low protein and totally without nourishment. We don’t actually serve it, but we bring it close enough that you can see it from your table.
“Also, we have a Main Street Mixed Grill that is to die for. It’s all the comfort food you ate growing up in middle America, shoved down your throat until you’re ready to explode. If you can swallow ten pounds of it, everyone at your table eats free!
“Our prize-winning roast pig comes both ways, with and without lipstick.
“You might want to choose from our everyday favorites. Tonight we have:
“Savory Chicken Balls fried in Offshore oil.
“Aged Arizona Elephant with cornbread.
“Thrice-cooked Chestnut Crackers with your choice of Sixties smears.
“Medical marijuana brownies, available in our blue state restaurants only.
“GOPher waffles with Chinese Creamery Melanin-Butter, Unfrosted Let-Them-Eat-Cake cake, and Nuclear Mushroom Glacé dusted with Clean Coal pepper on a globally warmed plate.
“Our featured cocktail is the Saturday Night Special. It’s a traditional concoction that’s been around so long it’s gotten terribly stale, but now it’s reborn in a new, lively recipe that’s too, too fey. It will have you giggling all through your meal, I promise!
“Make sure to save some room for dessert. We have Half-baked Alaska drizzled with simpleton syrup, surrounded by sour grapes and crowned with a whipped cream so airy it’s hardly there at all. Our retro dessert is a clearance item that did very well for us the past eight years, but now we’re closing it out. It’s a leftover mélange of silly sorbets and outdated broulettes glazed with new sugary frosting that’s guaranteed to taste just as good coming up as it did going down.
“Are you folks ready for the check? I hope you enjoyed your dinner. I’m sorry, we no longer accept credit cards. Chez Hypocrisy is a happening place and credit is so September! We don’t take dollars, either, but we’ll be happy to exchange them for Euros, three-to-one.
“It was truly a pleasure serving you. Be sure to come back in a couple of weeks. We’re planning a Hawaiian Luau that’ll knock your socks off!”
Ten “Ponderables”
- OPEC will have an emergency meeting tomorrow and has said it will cut production by a million barrels a day to drive up price to $100 or more a barrel. UK Prime Minister Brown called it irresponsible. Speculators were already driving up oil prices on Monday.
- Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax-evasion and, as required by law, bureaucrats tried to run it. The Government and the brothel failed, and it closed. And now we’re trusting the economy of our country to a pack of edjicated-idiots and nit-wits who couldn’t make money running a whorehouse and selling booze?!?!
- Obambulate (o-BAM-byuh-layt) verb tr.: To walk about. From Latin ob- (towards, against) + ambulare (to walk). Ultimately from the Indo-European root ambhi- (around) that is also the source of ambulance, alley, preamble, and bivouac. The first print citation of the word is from 1614.
- Is anyone buying this whole “Joe the plumber” thing? Turns out that’s not his full name. It’s “Joe Hussein the plumber.”- Leno
- What would you get if you crossed an atheist with an insomniac and a dyslexic– someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
- Alabama gunstores sold out of ammunition the day after the Russian Georgian invasion as Alabamians girded to repell an invasion through the.neighboring state.
- Police say a 29-year old Michigan man has been arrested after “receiving sexual grattification from a vacuum” at a car wash.
- A Michigan worker doing a sewer line replacement at a home made an eerie discovery: Huge slabs of grave markers turned upside down for a front walkway. Apparently there were mistakes on the grave stones and someone turned them into a sidewalk .
- Its not that I want to punish your success, when you spread the wealth around it is good for everyone,” Obama’s comment to ‘Joe the Plumber.’
- Mervyns is finished. The Hayward-based clothing and housewares seller said Friday morning it is liquidating its assets after months of struggling to reorganize its debts to stay afloat. It will close all 149 stores.
Debateless Presidential Debates
“After last night’s debate, the reputation of Lincoln and Douglas is secure.” sarcastically remarked Edward R Murrow, journalist, after listening to the Kennedy-Nixon debate, September 26, 1960.
That debate flushed substance from presidential campaigns and ushered in the era of TV image campaigning in American politics.
That debate centered on an obscure and forgotten discussion of Quemoy and Matsu, two tiny islands in the straits of Formosa. What is remembered is how the candidates looked: Kennedy, fresh from a campaign swing through California, was tanned, relaxed and charismatic; Nixon, recovering from knee surgery, was haggard, nervous and sweaty.
Kennedy won the TV debate decisively, losing to those who listened on radio even though few had any idea what they were talking about. Kennedy went on to the narrowest victory in Chicago engineered by its political machine. The winner was television and televised debates that have become a dominant force in US presidential elections.
The only thing that has changed in the last 48 years and dozen presidential contests is hardly anyone knows Taiwan was once Formosa; that substance has now almost entirely become subservient to image and the 7 second
sound bite. Even the sound bite has shrunk to insignificant gotcha status and the put-down matters more than knowledge, experience, judgment or understanding.
Candidates are schooled to play it safe and rarely veer from pre-rehearsed scripts dragging so-called moderators along as little more than talkative visual aids.
Cynically lawyers call it demeanor evidence. What does someone look like, their expression, whether they appear confident and in command, or intimidated. All of those are difficult to measure in other contexts, but presidential debates do give the opportunity to judge irrelevance.
Image is king. Remember Al Gore’s heavy sighs during Bush’s answers in 2000 giving viewers the impression of petulance and annoyance. Like 1960, it was Gore’s style or his balsawood-like imitation that counted. Barack Obama purses his lips tilts his head back to stare down his nose while McCain seems to wander aimlessly
John McCain and Barack Obama have had two inconclusive dabates. Neither is a good debater but they don’t have to debate anyway. The imposed Presidential Debate Commission produce formats do not foster debate as the most recent Charlie Gibson gab fest proved.
Friday’s non- announcement announcement about Sarah Palin ‘unethically’ slapping around Alaska’s public service director and her state trooper former brother-in-law who tasered his ten year-old recalcitrant step-son only invites more thoughtless petty partisan prattle.
John McCain needs a knock-out Wednesday evening to put a tourniquet on his now amputated Vice President. But, even walking around with his fly unzipped would only invite CNN and the New York Times to demand a public short arm inspection.
As one UCSB graduate student explained to me last week he is voting for Obama because he’ll fix our foreign policy and avoid mistakes leading to war like dropping atomic bombs on Japan that forced it to bomb Pearl Harbor and England’s attack on Germany. He then morosely announced he’d watch Wednesday’s 3rd debate at Long Island’s Hofstra University hoping for substance.
NOTE: The author did not misstate history in this last paragraph. Please reread it. This university student seems to have graduated from the Almadinejad School of Historical Revisions, which will impact current American Presidential Politics. After all, who would not vote for Obama in order to avoid the mistake this student sincerely, albeit stupidly, repeats to other gullibles ignorant of history and enamored of “change”. This shows an insight on the kind of change some believe will happen.
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Bernanke and Paulson - Monkey Business
So, as we breath a small sigh of relief and trust, the bail-out remedy has been dissolved into the financial institutions — still fizzing – and we wait for its effect. My blind and shaky faith in both Paulson’s and Bernanke’s economic capabilities reminds me of the Marx Brother’s film Monkey Business, wherein Groucho quips, “Sure I’m a doctor, where’s the horse ?”.
The secretive, adhoc and shadow-agenda-tilted remedies of these two “government employees” does not stir any faith from my bowels whatsoever. Their continued verbal flatulence - telling us nothing really - makes me wonder whether the coming Depression is, indeed, stoppable - or is it like those multitude of assured and very expensive allopathic cancer “cures”, where it is so difficult to determine whether the poor and trusting cancer patient was - in the end - killed by the cancer or the vicious “cure”. Meanwhile, the advising doctors and drugs companies get fatter and richer. I’m sure even Hippocrates himself would shudder with disgust and horror at this sick ruse…
First Paulson. His background and pure essence is Wall Street. He was an Ivy Leaguer, East coast, and was a star wrestler and footballer at college. He has a B. A. in English from Dartmouth College. Disappointingly, I can’t find any learned references to Economics within his education at all. Paulson began his work in government, moving up to work as assistant secretary to Jon Ehrlichman in the Nixon administration from 1972 - 73. From here he joined Goldman Sachs, eventually succeeding Jon Corzine to become CEO in 1998. In Wikipedia his achievements may be further summed up:
“His net worth has been estimated at over US$700 million.[9] Paulson has personally built close relations with China during his career. In July 2008 it was reported by The Daily Telegraph that: “Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson has intimate relations with the Chinese elite, dating from his days at Goldman Sachs when he visited the country more than 70 times.”"
Just before the bailout vote in the senate, Goldman Sachs (together with other major financial institutions) contributed significant funds to both McCain and Obama as well as to other major players including Senator Dodd, Head of the Senate Banking Committee. Perhaps they did this to assure safe passage of the Bailout Bill through the Senate ? See it here :
Here is evidence of who Paulson really works for :
Evidence of Political Manipulation by Goldman Sachs:
Ben Bernanke, the other half of the Wall Street weasel alliance, is from a different type of educational mold(mostly fungal). He graduated from from Harvard and studied at MIT obtaining a PhD in Economics, taught at Princeton and became Chairman of the Fed in 2006. His hobbies include continuous and tortuous economic study of the Great Depression, playing with his secret and gargantuan toy train set in his dark attic, quietly flossing his teeth on the strings of a rusty, Hendrix Strat-copy whilst deftly reading primo selections of old Marvel comics during his toilet ablutions, arguing incessantly with Ron Paul about the weather, and currently maintains a demonic and unstoppable fascination for the workings of The Fed’s printing press. In his address to the gathering on Milton Friedman’s 90th birthday, “Helicopter Ben” promised this:
“Let me end my talk by abusing slightly my status as an official representative of the Federal Reserve System. I would like to say to Milton and Anna: Regarding the Great Depression. You’re right, we did it. We’re very sorry. But thanks to you, we won’t do it again.”
“…abusing slightly…” is certainly a correct description here, though it’s impact is, perhaps, just a tad under-defined. And as to his end prophesy: No comment.
In the relationship that does exists between Paulson and Bernanke - I am once again reminded of a certain excerpt from “Monkey Business” - wherein Harpo so memorably and eloquently performs “Daffy About You” so as to leave tears dribbling from my eyes…
I still laugh hopelessly at it now.
SARAH PALIN’S SCHOOL OF LOW EXPECTATIONS
“Good mornin’ class. It’s sure nice to see so doggone many happy faces smilin’ up at me today, right here in America, the bestest country ever. For those of you whose memory isn’t what it used to be—and whose is, boy-howdy—my name is Sarah Palin. I was John McCain’s runnin’ mate against President Barack Obama in the last election.
“Now, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, I’m gonna give it to you straight, without the media elite twisting my words into pretzels, or that snooty Katie Couric pullin’ ‘gotchya’ stunts tryin’ to make me sound like a bimbo.
“I lost that election. But I’m not a loser and neither are you!
“That’s today’s lesson at the Sarah Palin School of Low Expectations—we are winners if we say so. Nobody but us can set the bar for our success, and the secret of life is to set that bar so low you’ve already crossed it.
“As I look around the room and see the Wall Street executives and CEOs, the religious leaders and educators, the Dancing With The Stars ex-contestants and Republican ex-senators lookin’ back at me, I can see the question in your eyes. ‘Can I take advantage of the same trick that got Sarah Palin, beauty queen and governor of Alaska—which is almost a state—through a disastrous campaign with a twinkle in her eyes and an allurin’ grin on her adorable face? Will the magic of low expectations work for me?
“You betchya!
“If I can do it, anyone can do it. I don’t think it’s a big secret that I had absolutely no business even bein’ considered Vice Presidential material by John McCain or anyone else. The only difference between me and Dan Quayle is that he’s prettier and he went further in the spellin’ bee. He got tripped up when the liberal media asked him to spell potato and I flunked out on moose.
“But Dan Quayle didn’t know my system. He let that potato make him a loser, but I didn’t let no moose do that to this hockey mom! I shot that sucker square between the eyes and served it to my big, main-street, American family for dinner.
“Low expectations works! When I got my tush handed to me by that smart-aleck Joe Biden during our debate, the whole world thought I’d broken even, at worst!
“Why? Because I had carefully set the bar so low I couldn’t have tripped over it in five-inch heels. All I had to do was keep a seductive smile on my lips while stringin’ random English words together not answerin’ the questions until the light told me to stop, and I was a winner!
“Was I nervous? Course I was! One time my stomach got so jumpy durin’ some foreigner policy question or something that I let out a smelly. You can see ‘can I call you Joe’ make the uglyface when it hit him. But nobody knew because I squeaked it out. If the microphones don’t pick it up, it never happened.
“Remember that class. Never let ‘em see you sweat. Or hear you fart.
“So you’ve had a rough time of it lately. Your company went bankrupt, the government had to bail out your golden parachute, Charlie Rose doesn’t answer your phone calls anymore, you can’t get a decent table at TGI Fridays and your kids tell all their friends at Groton that you’re a fireman.
“Big deal. Tell ‘em that’s just what you wanted! That’s your story and you’re sticking to it.
“Well, jeez-o-flip, class, I see we’re almost out of time. Here are your homework assignments.
“I want you Wall Street fellas to write, in your own words—no cheaties—why you’re happy your companies went bust and got bought by Dubai because, unlike Ken Lay, you’re not in jail, or dead.
“Religious leaders, tell me how your wife is totally behind raising the bastard child you had with that call girl, because you’ve both always wanted to help the underprivileged.
“And you Republicans—well, gosh almighty, I know it’s gonna be hard—but I want you to put on your little spin beanies and write an essay about how you’re glad you lost the election because you broke every toy in the store and mommy told you to go home and stay in bed while the Democrats try to clean up your mess.
“Class dismissed, you cute rascals. Next week we’ll practice ‘the wink.”