WikiLeaks Attacks Heaven

WikiLeaks is an addictive site, a true guilty pleasure unless you’re the one getting leaked on, but like all addictions it has a problem. You have to up the dose constantly to get the buzz. Once you’ve blown the cover off the US military, followed that by shooting a quarter-million holes through American diplomacy, then revealed our strategic weaknesses to the entire hostile world, what do you do for an encore?

Not to worry, my fellow WikiJunkies; though perfidious Albion has clapped him in chains and denied him bail, Julian Assagne has managed to pull off his greatest coup ever.

WikiLeaks found a mole in Heaven! An anonymous angel has thrown the Pearly Gates wide open, revealing what they’re really thinking about up there, when they let their haloes down and speak the uncensored truth. Here are a few, choice bits, a teaser of the flood to come.

From the Desk of Satan: “I need you to make an emergency change in the rules for admission to Hell. I can’t handle all the Republicans. The place is so crowded I had to fill in the Lake. How am I supposed to strike terror with a Pond of Fire? The damned are laughing at me.”

We received this today from Mother Teresa. Forward it to Hell. It might cheer the old boy up. “Dear Satan, I agree to your plan. Once a month I’ll make the rounds and see all the Jihadist newbies in your domain. I’ll tell them that we’re short of virgins, so instead of them getting 72 unsullied maidens as a reward for their suicide bombing, they get one virgin 72 times. Me. It is imperative you keep this strictly confidential or my reputation for compassion will be seriously compromised. Sincerely, M.T.”

Limited distribution, Heaven Administration: “Here’s a morale booster for the staff who claim it’s all doom and gloom around here. Who says the Big Man has no sense of humor? He just assigned Chubby Checker to Limbo. And he presided over the wedding of Anna Nicole Smith and Don Ho. Unfortunately some of the effect was spoiled when the bride decided to hyphenate her last name. But, still, when he pronounced them Mr. and Mrs. Ho, there wasn’t a dry toga in the room.”

The Arabs are all upset we let Samuel Cohen, the inventor of the neutron bomb, into Heaven. They don’t mind the bomb so much, in fact, talk on the Valhalla street is they kind of admire the guy for it. But Cohen is Jewish and he wants to commit the ultimate sin: Building a house. I think we need to deny his permit or we’ll never hear the end of it. You know how they hold a grudge.

Memo from the Department of Housing: “Due to the ongoing budget crisis, the Afterlife Treasury has ruled that all members of the class of 2011 will be put in temporary dwellings outside the walls. The new souls will be let past the Pearly Gates, first dead, first served, as housing supplies permit. The only exceptions are for the homeless, who will be waivered in immediately, and the financiers, who will be “sent down” indefinitely.”

Scientists in the Eden Environmental Protection Agency say we’re facing a catastrophe of biblical proportions if the current trends of Heavenly Cooling cannot be reversed. Global warming is sucking all the heat out of the Afterlife, temperatures are dropping alarmingly. Unless things change very soon, Hell will freeze over. If we let that happen we’ll have to make good on fifteen billion promises that were supposed to be impossible. And, if Hell can freeze over, can flying pigs be far behind?

The over-under at the office pool in Admissions on Julian Assange is eight months. Sooner or later he’s going to tick off the wrong “diplomat” down there and get his ticket punched. Rumor has it he’s got ten years worth of narco-traffic files. If he drops a dime on that crowd he’ll be up here a few decades ahead of schedule.

But our sources “inside” tell me that’s a sucker’s bet. He’s not getting in, not then, not ever. He thinks he’s on the side of the angels with that WikiLeaks scam, but he’s not fooling anybody. We know he’s only in it for the chicks.

I’m afraid Assange is going to be the loneliest soul in Hell. Even Satan won’t talk to that dude. He doesn’t want everyone to know he donates ten percent of his salary to Jerry’s Kids.