Health Care, Climate Change, and other Residue

Before we shut it down for the holidays, I want to express my appreciation to my patient readers. Thank you for putting up with me. Allow me to offer this screen dump as a gift to you, a year-end high colonic for your health and well being.

According to the latest polls, Barack Obama’s approval rating has dipped below fifty percent. This bad news for the administration was offset somewhat by the subsequent question, asking likely voters whom they were rooting for to win the next poll.

Twelve percent were rooting for the Democrats, three percent were rooting for the Republicans, and eighty-five percent were rooting for “the Margin of Error.”

Two bloggers walk into a bar. “What’ll you have,” the bartender asks.

The first blogger says, “It doesn’t matter, whatever you give me, I’m against it.”

The second blogger says, “I’ll have what whatever he’s not having.”

If by some miracle the Democrats finally manage to pass health care reform, we’re going to have trouble with the “mandate.” Auto insurance is mandated too, but that requirement is gleefully ignored by a large segment of the driving population. So we good citizens have to purchase “uninsured motorist protection” to cover us if we get rear-ended by one of those jokers.

You know there will be millions of people who won’t obey the mandate. Either because they can’t afford health insurance, are young and think they’re immortal, or are conscientious objectors like Keith Olbermann. What happens if one of those scofflaws gives us the scabies? Are we covered?

And what are they going to do to the mandate evaders? Say you don’t buy insurance, get fined for it and refuse to pay the fine. What then? A stretch in the slammer?

“What’re you in for?”

“I didn’t buy health insurance.”

Now, at first glance, you wouldn’t want to be that guy in prison. It figures he’s going to get passed around like a bad email joke.

But upon further review, maybe not. He hasn’t had health insurance for a long time. Long enough to get caught, prosecuted and jailed for it. There’s no telling what mélange of microbes and toxins he’s hosting in his unmedicated body.

I think that dude is probably “hands off” in the clink.

But health care is free and universal in the jailhouse. Once they clean him up in the prison clinic, it’s open season.

You know those ads you see in magazines and comic books that will ordain you as a Universal Life Minister if you send in the coupon? I wish there was one that would make me Pope of the Jews. I’d pay serious cash for that.

And the first thing I’d do, when the certificate arrived, was excommunicate Joe Lieberman. I’d drum his ass straight out of the Tribe.

Then I’d set up my Vatican. In Boca.

Joe Lieberman obviously needs a heart transplant. While they’re in there, they might as well give him a chin, too.

I don’t know what the ultimate scientific diagnosis on global warming will be, but I know this. After Copenhagen it better not be serious. Those world leaders in attendance spent the all their time paying lip service and only lip service to the problem. That wasn’t a climate conference, it was a glory hole.

A left wing blogger and a right wing blogger walk into a bar. The bartender checks out their posts and says, “I don’t get it. If one of you is a conservative, and the other a liberal, how can you both be Hitler?”

Tom DeLay, ex-hypercon congressman, ex-Dancing With the Stars contestant, ex-owner of the Albo Pest Control company, where he got his nickname “The Exterminator,” is now back with his latest venture.

He has invented “De-Lay: The Ultimate Premature Ejaculation Cure.” His product? A picture of Tom DeLay. Once glance is guaranteed to ice your jets no matter whom you’re with.

I can vouch for the product. The other day I was indulging in a little online fantasy, starring me and the Pam Anderson sex tape. I took out the photo and did the recommended dose: one glance. Instant noodle.

You’ve got to be careful with it though. One guy I know looked too long and overdosed. He hasn’t been worth a damn to his wife since. I hear she ran off with the pool boy.

Do you remember the scene in Blazing Saddles, where a very African American Cleavon Little is besieged by an angry racist lynch mob? He puts a six shooter to his head and says, “One more move and the n—-r gets it!”

Kind of reminds you of the Democrats, don’t you think?