Stimulus bill finally stimulates new jobs

Depressed and scared that we might be spending 787 billion on pure pork that may not really create jobs and not knowing how to even judge what the effect of any program might be on jobs, I took heart when I got a vision.

It seems the government is going to mandate that by 2011 new cars have a device that the driver must breath into before the car will start to keep those with too much alcohol on their breath from driving and endangering innocents, sober or drunk.

My goodness isn’t that what government is here to do, to “give us Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness”. Keeping drunk drivers off the road may give us life….well, at least it may keep some lives from being ended. This new device may not give us Liberty and it may not let us pursue happiness the way we or those drunks might like to. But it’s all good, no?

Alas, that is no doubt a debatable Constitutional issue and is where my optimism comes in.

The ensuing fracas will stimulate mountains of debate, enliven passions and political and personal biases, unearth old hatreds and definitely will stimulate many new unresolvable conflicts which will stimulate lawsuits, fistfights and loud arguments and these passions and lawsuits and related paraphernalia will create jobs in the vast legal field, legal secretaries, junior and senior lawyers of various billing levels, and advocacy groups will generate money from those willing to throw money at their favorite side of the issue, employing lobbyists, media buyers, designers and writers OMG take a breath.

Think I’ll buy a beaten down media company or distressed law firm before this word spreads.

But the best is yet to come, for you, for me and the Great USA. Here is how we will even go farther, to the point way beyond employing many in the “old economy”  discussed above, and without diminishing the importance of all that, to recognizing that we will also do what the US has been so successful at, creating entire new job types, new categories of employment, yea even entire new industries.

This is my prediction:

Restaurants and Bars will charge more for drinks, increasing per drink tax revenues. With the portion that they keep from taxes, half will go to profits, which will go to charities, buying new cars and investing in worthless stocks which will support the worthless dollar.

The other half will go to employing extra hostesses, new job types entirely whose job will be to get to know drunk clients before they leave the establishment, to gain their trust so that when the all important moment arrives,  a new tipping point, these vanguards of the new prosperity…oh, I can see the patriotic posters now in my tears of joy.

Not Rosie the Riveter, no, these are the new age hostesses paid at the new minimum wage but will make way more than 7.25 an hour because the restaurant will pay them $1 and generous and accidental tips from drunks will put them over the top…..drunks who want to drive home, go to another bar or to some other place maybe they shouldn’t go, but can now and in the future despite government’s nannism, because they will have trained hostesses at their service to blow their cars for them.

If you can't toot your own horn, employ our Hostesses.

Post Script Note: Hostesses is a bisexual term or perhaps better said, a gender neutral term. No hate mail please, only thoughtful pro or con commentary requested.