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Snark Twain is the unacknowledged, uncrowned, pound-for-pound, heavyweight champion writer of the world. He is also extremely modest. He lives in San Francisco with his trophy wife and two cats more beautiful than your children. You can read more of his work, published under the pseudonym Allan Goldstein, on his website, allangoldstein.com.

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Lipstick Outrage

September 11th, 2008 • Snark Twain

Dear Mr. Obama:

We are writing to express our outrage at your offensive “lipstick on a pig” remark.  In your mad quest for power you have left common decency behind and offended swine and their human companions all across America.  Shame on you.

It may come as a shock to one as comely as yourself, but not all of God’s creatures are born with natural beauty.  Sometimes mother nature needs a little help.  To tease a female—any female—for using the cosmetic arts to improve her looks is just plain cruel and totally uncalled for.

You are being accused of aiming your nasty remark at Governor Sarah Palin.  Would that it were so.  Mrs. Palin has herself offended the entire canine community with her equally gratuitous “lipstick on a pit bull” reference.  A pox on both your houses.

Many sows are plain.  Many pigs are chubby.  But we think they are beautiful.

If a little judiciously applied lipstick, eyeliner, blush and mascara can make a swine feel more attractive, make a pig feel better about herself, then she should feel free to use them, without shame, without ridicule.  If it takes a bit of foundation to put the glow in Petunia’s cheeks, only a cad would deny her that right.

You, sir, are a cad.

We live in a free country, you are free to be as insensitive and boorish as you like.  But we don’t have to like it, or you.

No longer shall we be content to wallow in the mud thrown by haters like yourself, Mr. Obama.  No longer shall we allow our self-esteem to be spiral-sliced by the vicious words of bigots.  Our faces may be painted but our hearts are pure.

We speak for the porkers who have no voice, and we say no more!  Our day has come, our lipsticks, ourselves!  We will march on Washington, hand in hand, hoof in hoof, demanding the respect we deserve.

“Out of the sty and into the streets!”

Sincerely,

Smithfield Hamm:  President, North American Man Pig Love Association.

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There Are 2 Responses So Far. »

  1. Comment by Shane on 11 September 2008:

    Well done, think I caught the sarcastic tone at least. Hope you’ve seen the clip of McBush using the same line:
    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=BR8IhMMhe8w

  2. Comment by Jason Blanchard on 11 September 2008:

    When McCain was talking about the Clintons, he was referring to the Clinton healthplan in 93, “HillaryCare”. HE SAID THAT!!! He was talking about their healthplan and tactics from 15 years ago…that’s obvious. Not to mention, had Billary just made a hit joke in front of 37,000,000 viewers about wearing lipstick? Nope… The use of the phrase is entirely different.

    Obama meant exactly what he said. He was directing his remark at Palin and McCain, and you’re a FOOL if you think otherwise. First, her pitbull/lipstick joke came at a time when the teleprompter was down, and she was ad-libbing. When Obama ad-libs, you get a bunch of, “uh…and uh…and you know…well, I uh….” Less than a week after her joke, he makes the lipstick on a pig reference? Pathetic, transparent, desperate. At least he can count on the entire media to be on his side and defend him…as they’ve done in countless ways.

    People! The second half of Obama’s quote is “You can wrap up up an old fish in a piece of paper and call it change. It’s still going to stink after eight years.”

    Naw, he couldn’t be talking about OLD McCain, could he? Why isn’t anyone talking about that reference? If you put ANY fish in paper, it’s going to stink…why does it have to be old? I’ll tell you…because he was discriminating against McCain. (or maybe Palin’s fisherman husband, lol)

    Pick one of these two options.
    A. Obama meant to be sexist and ageist.Palin is a pig, and McCain is old. If so, he is unfit to be president.

    or

    B. Obama meant no offense to either Palin, or McCain. Then, he’s an idiot for not realizing how many people his remarks would offend. He’s an idiot for not realizing Palin owns the word lipstick for the rest of the campaign.

    Unfortunately for Obama, either answer is wrong.

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