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Snark Twain is the unacknowledged, uncrowned, pound-for-pound, heavyweight champion writer of the world. He is also extremely modest. He lives in San Francisco with his trophy wife and two cats more beautiful than your children. You can read more of his work, published under the pseudonym Allan Goldstein, on his website, allangoldstein.com.

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San Francisco Trash Talk

August 8th, 2008 • Snark Twain

Run, the police are here

Opening disclaimer: I live in wonderful San Francisco, a city so adored you still have to pay seven figures for a shack if you want to move here.

I’ve lived here more than 20 years, longer than anywhere else in my life, my wife was born here. That makes me a San Franciscan, and with that honor comes responsibility.

Like praising my humble burg when it reaches a new plateau of enlightenment and civilization.

I was proud about gay marriage, medical marijuana and the living minimum wage. I applauded when we outlawed plastic shopping bags, trans fats, and the feeding of pigeons. I cried tears of joy when we banned smoking in bars, and the recent proposal to extend that prohibition to tobacco shops brought me to fresh peaks of ecstasy.

But our latest idea has me so excited I had to take a Xanax, just to calm down enough to write about it.

We have our problems, here in progressive paradise. Our murder rate is up, we’re facing a huge budget deficit, we’re world-notorious for our aggressive, stinky, over-advocated homeless, our public transit is a wreck-a-day mess. Gang violence is surging, gas is a buck over the national average, the Giants suck and the Niners don’t have a quarterback.

But at least we have our priorities straight. Confronted by all these challenges, our mayor snapped into action. Gavin “Just Married—again” Newsom knows just what we need to keep San Francisco moving forward into the broad, sunlit 21st century future.

Garbage police. No longer content to tolerate eggshells in the black bin (garbage) or coat hangers in the blue bin (recycling) or cereal boxes in the green bin (compost) our mayor wants big fines for such sociopathic behavior.

Our mayor is attacking the scourge of Unsorted Garbage head-on. I’m so proud I could burst.

Do you not envy us? Our society is so civil, our problems so mundane, that we have the luxury of legislating trash. Is it not a shame the whole world is not advanced enough to follow our glittering example?

San Francisco already has fifteen sister cities, from Abidjan in The Ivory Coast to Ho Chi Min City in Vietnam. Imagine if we adopted the rest of the world…

The Fallujah City Council announced new rules for trash collection today. Effective immediately, all Sunni body parts must be put in the black bins, Shiite in the blue, and Kurd in the green. Heads are to be stacked in a pyramid, unboxed, and will be collected separately.

Citing the heath risks of second hand smoke, the Central Committee of the Chinese Communist Party banned the indoor burning of incense in Tibet. Any monk who violates this rule will be “defrocked.” Permanently.

Freetown, Sierra Leone, will be traffic free on Sundays! “Our roads are too crowded with civil war amputees scooting around on those skateboard things they use,” a government spokesman said. “They are dangerous and unsightly and discourage the ambulatory from getting much-needed exercise. From now on, all major roads in the city will be closed to human-powered scooter traffic on Sundays.”

Pest control officers in Rio de Janeiro have declared a no-tolerance policy on the feeding of street children by local citizens. “It only encourages them,” a Brazilian official said, ” and their droppings have made our parks and statues uninhabitable for Real People.”

The Peshawar Tribal Administration of North-West Pakistan has passed a stimulus package to boost the region’s sagging economy. In an historic break with precedent, families will now be able to claim a full year’s deduction on any female dependent honor-killed before Ramadan. City fathers want to remind people to schedule curbside bulky pickup at least a week in advance.

The Humane Society of Cairo filed a fatwa outlawing a primitive procedure used on many local women. According to the fatwa “Female circumcision, or ‘spaying’ is fine, but declawing is strictly prohibited.”

The Kandahar Cultural Ministry invites the public to a free play. The Taliban Trannies will present “Burka Boys! The Musical” in Baba Saab park. All proceeds to benefit the Pashtun GLBT society.

Ah, one can only dream. But we should never be so arrogant as to not realize that the rest of the world has much to teach us, here in multicultural SF. We can learn from our sister cites too….

San Francisco voters pass Proposition 666: “The Final Solution Political Cleansing Amendment.” Effective January 1, all Republicans are to report to designated collection points throughout the city, with families, portable possessions and a maximum of $200 cash. All assets beyond that will revert to the government, all animal companions will be liberated and given sanctuary. Those Republicans showing liberal “characteristics” will be taken to growth camps for political reorientation. All others will be deported to the United States of America.

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There Is 1 Response So Far. »

  1. Comment by Jason Blanchard on 8 August 2008:

    Man, I wish we could make Raleigh just like San Francisco… All that government intervention sounds great. I bet you don’t even have to think, because the City Council will do it for you.

    Jason Blanchards last blog post..Exxon’s 2Q revenue leads to record taxes paid, again

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