Noah 2008

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, ‘Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.’He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, ‘You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.’Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.’Noah!’ He roared, ‘I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”Forgive me, Lord,’ begged Noah, ‘but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

After that the DEA raided my home because someone reported that with all the traffic in and out of my house I must be dealing drugs.

And oh yes, some FBI or NSA agents, I’m still not sure which, are spying on me and have questioned my family and me on three separate occasions and I can tell by the reactions that they don’t believe a word I’ve said.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They maintain I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

The Food and Nutrition Service (FNS), USDA insist on inspecting and prescribing food packages to accommodate participants with cultural food preferences, and to serve participants with certain qualifying conditions only food based on their fragile medical conditions.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.’Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, ‘You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?’

‘No,’ said the Lord. ‘The government beat me to it.’

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