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Snark Twain is the unacknowledged, uncrowned, pound-for-pound, heavyweight champion writer of the world. He is also extremely modest. He lives in San Francisco with his trophy wife and two cats more beautiful than your children. You can read more of his work, published under the pseudonym Allan Goldstein, on his website, allangoldstein.com.

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Part TWO - Intro To Advanced Hypocrisy

June 12th, 2008 • Snark Twain

Not by accidentIn our last class, we talked about the mild hypocrisies, the polite evasions of Level One hypocrisy and the well-meaning lies of Level Two. Both levels share the same motivation—the desire to protect others.

They share something else, too. Us. We all do them all the time. They are the “everyday hypocrisies,” the art of fudging the truth as a social lubricant. Like all lies, they can be dangerous. Level One and Two hypocrisies can have unintended consequences, like having to eat your mother-in-law’s meatloaf every Christmas because you told her you loved it back before you married her daughter and she believed you and now you have to slip it to the dog under the table. But that’s OK, you fake it to make her happy.

There is nothing altruistic about Level Three hypocrisy. Level Three hypocrisy is pure selfishness; it tries to deflect criticism and censure of one’s behavior by smearing others. When a Level Three hypocrite sees the s**t about to hit the fan, he turns the fan around so someone else’s face gets dirty. When he uses hypocrisy to protect himself at someone else’s expense, there is nothing “unintended” about the consequences.

If you are the first guy to call an effeminate man “homo,” while you frequent every glory hole in town, you are committing a Level Three hypocrisy. When you curse a wino in the street on the way to the pharmacy to pick up your happy pills, that’s a Level Three hypocrisy. When you preach fidelity and abstinence from the pulpit while you’re snaking that cute intern, that’s Level Three hypocrisy.

Level Three hypocrisy is an equal opportunity sin. Conservatives have theirs (see above) and liberals have theirs as well. Demanding school busing for diversity, then moving to a gated community in the ‘burbs so your kids don’t have to hang out with the refugees is a garden-variety, Level Three, liberal hypocrisy. Blaming high prices on Big Oil or Big Pharma or Big Agro because your energy, health care and food policies screwed up the economy is a strictly non-partisan Level Three hypocrisy.

A Level Three hypocrite is looking out for number one, and only number one. He doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process.

But a Level Four hypocrite does care. The goal of a Level Four hypocrisy is precisely to hurt people, deliberately, with malice aforethought. Level Four is the murder of hypocrisies.

Level One is saying one thing and meaning another. Level Two is saying one thing and doing another. Level Three is doing one thing and blaming another. Level Four is doing one thing and punishing another for doing the exact same thing.

It is a surprisingly small step between Levels Three and Four, but the difference is life and death. When abortion was illegal, and lawmakers would send their daughters down to Puerto Rico when they “got in trouble,” thousands of their constituents died in back alleys. When today’s legislator was yesterday’s Quaalude-taking, bong-sucking frat boy, you get a war on drugs that claims more victims than drugs themselves. The war on drugs is one massive, mandatory-sentence, cartel-empowering, nation-destroying Level Four hypocrisy from start to finish. Only there is no finish.

Level Three and Four hypocrisies are Frankensteins. They live forever, like the Cuban embargo, hypocritically justified first as a war on communism, then when communism died as a war on Castro, now with Castro on his deathbed as a war on dictatorship (as if Saudi Arabia were Switzerland.) The reasons shift constantly because they aren’t reasons. They are excuses. The real reason the Cuban embargo never stops restricting Americans and hurting Cubans is votes in Florida. It’s pure hypocrisy and everybody knows it, yet it never dies.

Hypocrisy is a slippery slope that gets steeper from Level One to Level Four. Once an hypocrisy gets going it’s hard to stop. That is why we here at Hypocrisy.com have our eyes wide open, looking right, left and straight ahead. And so should you.

We should also look in the mirror, while we’re at it. Because hypocrisy can start anywhere, and it kills souls, too.

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About the Author

The Office of Management, "Management" for short. Thank you for thinking there is some kind of management around here.

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Part TWO - Intro To Advanced Hypocrisy

June 12th, 2008 • Chief Hypocrite

Not by accidentIn our last class, we talked about the mild hypocrisies, the polite evasions of Level One hypocrisy and the well-meaning lies of Level Two. Both levels share the same motivation—the desire to protect others.

They share something else, too. Us. We all do them all the time. They are the “everyday hypocrisies,” the art of fudging the truth as a social lubricant. Like all lies, they can be dangerous. Level One and Two hypocrisies can have unintended consequences, like having to eat your mother-in-law’s meatloaf every Christmas because you told her you loved it back before you married her daughter and she believed you and now you have to slip it to the dog under the table. But that’s OK, you fake it to make her happy.

There is nothing altruistic about Level Three hypocrisy. Level Three hypocrisy is pure selfishness; it tries to deflect criticism and censure of one’s behavior by smearing others. When a Level Three hypocrite sees the s**t about to hit the fan, he turns the fan around so someone else’s face gets dirty. When he uses hypocrisy to protect himself at someone else’s expense, there is nothing “unintended” about the consequences.

If you are the first guy to call an effeminate man “homo,” while you frequent every glory hole in town, you are committing a Level Three hypocrisy. When you curse a wino in the street on the way to the pharmacy to pick up your happy pills, that’s a Level Three hypocrisy. When you preach fidelity and abstinence from the pulpit while you’re snaking that cute intern, that’s Level Three hypocrisy.

Level Three hypocrisy is an equal opportunity sin. Conservatives have theirs (see above) and liberals have theirs as well. Demanding school busing for diversity, then moving to a gated community in the ‘burbs so your kids don’t have to hang out with the refugees is a garden-variety, Level Three, liberal hypocrisy. Blaming high prices on Big Oil or Big Pharma or Big Agro because your energy, health care and food policies screwed up the economy is a strictly non-partisan Level Three hypocrisy.

A Level Three hypocrite is looking out for number one, and only number one. He doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process.

But a Level Four hypocrite does care. The goal of a Level Four hypocrisy is precisely to hurt people, deliberately, with malice aforethought. Level Four is the murder of hypocrisies.

Level One is saying one thing and meaning another. Level Two is saying one thing and doing another. Level Three is doing one thing and blaming another. Level Four is doing one thing and punishing another for doing the exact same thing.

It is a surprisingly small step between Levels Three and Four, but the difference is life and death. When abortion was illegal, and lawmakers would send their daughters down to Puerto Rico when they “got in trouble,” thousands of their constituents died in back alleys. When today’s legislator was yesterday’s Quaalude-taking, bong-sucking frat boy, you get a war on drugs that claims more victims than drugs themselves. The war on drugs is one massive, mandatory-sentence, cartel-empowering, nation-destroying Level Four hypocrisy from start to finish. Only there is no finish.

Level Three and Four hypocrisies are Frankensteins. They live forever, like the Cuban embargo, hypocritically justified first as a war on communism, then when communism died as a war on Castro, now with Castro on his deathbed as a war on dictatorship (as if Saudi Arabia were Switzerland.) The reasons shift constantly because they aren’t reasons. They are excuses. The real reason the Cuban embargo never stops restricting Americans and hurting Cubans is votes in Florida. It’s pure hypocrisy and everybody knows it, yet it never dies.

Hypocrisy is a slippery slope that gets steeper from Level One to Level Four. Once an hypocrisy gets going it’s hard to stop. That is why we here at Hypocrisy.com have our eyes wide open, looking right, left and straight ahead. And so should you.

We should also look in the mirror, while we’re at it. Because hypocrisy can start anywhere, and it kills souls, too.

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