THE ONE WAY HILLARY CAN WIN
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The voting is almost over. All but a few of the pledged delegates are pledged, most of the superdelegates have made their choices, and the news isn’t good for the Clinton camp. Obama is a mere 70 votes away from the nomination, Clinton needs around 250, and there are only about 266 up for grabs.
That’s not enough. Even if Hillary’s apparatchiks can con the Democratic Party’s Rules and Bylaws Committee into counting the votes of the Florida and Michigan non-elections, she still falls about a hundred short—by traditional measures.
But Hillary Clinton didn’t get where she is by yielding to the dead hand of tradition. No ma’am. As far as she’s concerned, she’s already won this thing, if you look at it the right way. There is one metric where she trounced the narrow ass off Obama, where her lead is insurmountable.
Total Poundage. Sheer weight of human flesh. Pure American voter protoplasm.
Sure, Barack got the snob vote, the skinny, self-absorbed, over-educated salad-munchers on both coasts and the big cities. But in the high-cholesterol heartland of America—from the Ozarks to the rust belt, from East Los Angeles to West Virginia—the “salt of the earth” voted for Hillary.
And by salt of the earth, I mean they eat corn nuts.
The “weight of the evidence” is clearly on her side. Mrs. Clinton is too classy to say it, but I’m not. There is too much at stake, this is no time for niceties or political correctness. Here is the raw truth.
If you dump all the Clinton voters on a scale, they would outweigh Obama’s by a good quarter million pounds. More total tonnage of American flesh wants her to be president than him. That’s her best argument—not dirty tricks with Michigan and Florida, not poorly-disguised racist appeals designed to scare the bejesus out of the superdelegates, not cockeyed calculations about caucuses, not funny math where somehow Puerto Rico puts her over the top. Those slimy machinations are beneath her, and they are not necessary. She should simply say, “My vote outweighs yours, Mr. Obama.” And, honest fellow that he is, Mr. Obama would have to agree.
The massive masses have spoken. The muffin-top girls and boiler boys of America have made their choice, and it is Hillary. That is their decision and it can’t be overturned—not without a forklift.
Fair is fair. I think it’s time for Obama to concede.
Comment by Chief Hypocrite on 22 May 2008:
Snark obviously is convinced the race is over and Hillary should drop out. His satirical poundage argument as her only chance is contradicted by this mornings MSNBC (not Hillary fans) TV feature called “Hillary:Denver or Bust” about her threats to go to the convention in Denver, caused me to seek out another Denver source, a chart on Denver’s own Channel 7 news.
The chart shows percentage of obesity by state for a few years up to 2001 (ok, ok, I know it is 2008 and McDonald’s since then did introduce salads) it’s just the best I could find on a moments notice).
A cursive review, assuming falsely, that Hillary receives evenly distributed votes of the entire population, DOES NOT ON THE SURFACE REFUTE the satire, so maybe, assuming Obama cannot negotiate successfully with this determined domestic non violent insurgent in his own party, Hillary will add some weight to her other arguments, which are still motivating her despite incredible pressure to drop out.